I am not accustomed to people and huge crowds but suddenly sometimes I tend to have a momentary craving for them, like you know, to actually feel to have someone right beside you, to long for some serious conversation, even if just for a few unpleasant moment. but I am not habituated to do that kind of customary talks that other people do. it scares me, it cuts me off, because i feel its highly probable that from the entire chain of friends that I might have, I am afraid to choose whom. I am not totally desperate but at some point of time life throws at you a situation that arouse the "I ****ing need somebody right now!" person in you. sad but yes.
how long can you hold that person inside you and occasionally maybe, but you need me too as much as I need you. I must admit, I got tired of my concentrated habitual gloomy week and for once want to wake up into another world. I neither want to sound offensively sick but I don't think I am treating myself the right way, that which is, I say, caring and loving myself enough, and that is the worst anyone can ever do to anybody. I firmly believe that nothing/nobody can hurt you more than you hurting yourself, not physically but emotionally. there is this side of human in me that constantly keep reminding me all the time that unless I really start caring for myself, nobody else is going to. your certain personal favorite friends won't be forever available and as long as I can't really start loving myself I will undesirably be a hand away from sharing my precious life with someone else, and that's why I think, I have always run away from it. because if I can't precisely handle myself how am I even thinking of another human figure in my life, when I am yet to learn to compromise certain habits in my life to be able to live the life I want to then how am I suppose to happily compromise for the other person that anonymously calls himself the love of my life. it isn't easy , whoever said it is, has never really lived life. I am helplessly an irritable individual who is lost sublimely into a comfortably uncomfortable zone looking for a way out, out right into the normal life that I am longing to live. and I am unnaturally aware of how I am not able to subdue this outburst!
a year has gone by since I wrote this. I can happily say that I might have grown into this person I was keeping on pushing myself to become, although some days, I forget to give my body back all the love it needs to hold me, I come back to read all these things I used to write genuinely about and work on it again. I suppose, the fact that so many times it's revisiting my old writings is what motivates me to become better, will always be the best thing about my writing.
today, I have so much love for myself that I can continue to give it to the whole world around me and I will still have as much love in me like now. I have learned to compromise and accept the truth that it is equally necessary in creating a healthy relationship for both yourself and the person you choose to let in your life as holding your grounds about refusing to change yourself for someone else. I am looking at things through a much bigger perspective and braving the world just a little bit more cautiously than the last time and I hope these things will only grow over the rest of my life.
I hope that this will somehow in someway help you believe in things a little more and simply make you smile, wherever you are! also please know that, I care!
Published by Aisu Minam.