Dating with Different Communication Styles

After meeting with the Master Dater  I was reminded how challenging a conversation can become with two vastly different communication styles.

While a lucky few can innately reach across the various communication styles, depending on their audience, the majority of us are unwittingly boxed in by our unique communication habits. We are drawn to modes of communication, careers and media that suit our style.

But what happens when you meet that special someone and communication gets in the way? He doesn’t look you in the eye often enough or she talks… a whole lot. It can become a big source of conflict when misunderstood.

Understanding your communication style, and the styles of others, creates a higher level of consciousness and clears the way for deeper communication. Here, the three major communication styles are broken down by their most noticeable tendencies:

Visuals…

They learn by seeing.
Tend to be brief and to the point; they dislike unnecessary details.
Move and speak in a rapid-fire manner.
Believe if you are not watching them as they speak, you are not listening.
Tend to stand up very straight.
Like to stand face to face while interacting.
Tend to ‘zone out’ when they are bored; their eyes glaze over.
Use phrase related to sight, such as, “I see what you mean.”
Are the most concerned with being clean and organized because the visual state of their world is the most important to their psyche.

These are the people who turn down the radio so they can see better while driving.

How to spot one: When they answer a question, their eyes ultimately go toward the sky. That’s where they seem to find their thoughts. They break eye contact frequently to process what they’re experiencing. I’ve also noticed they seem to have bigger, more expressive eyes.

Auditories…

Learn best by hearing.
Tend to stand to your side, at a ninety degree angle or put their ear toward you as they speak.
Can frequently multi-task their ears: they can listen to you while listening to a song.
Are often loud and articulate.
Enjoy details and many can go on and on about any topic they greatly enjoy.
Tend to be incredibly passionate about music.
Have nervous habits that make noise, such as clicking pens, tapping feet and drumming fingers.
Are the most impatient with text message, they’d rather talk on the phone.
Send the longest emails.
Typically make great story tellers.
Use phrases relating to sound such as, “I hear ya!”
Tend to think and speak more slowly.

These are the people who turn completely away to look at you, or their phone, while driving.

How to spot one: Auditory communicators often have a penetrating gaze which can make other communication styles uncomfortable. If you ask them a question, their eyes will most likely shift on a horizontal, ear to ear, or remain steadily on you.

Kinesthetics…

Learn best by doing.
Avoid eye contact, opting to look down in their laps.
They often seem like they are not listening even when they are.
Are most easily bored and distracted; they’d rather be in motion.
Typically are the most athletic.
Tend to bring in information about people through feeling (including emotion).
Are most sensitive to the atmosphere in their environment.
Tend to dress for comfort first, even if it is sloppy.
Are often the most antsy.
Are often, but not always, the most touchy feely. They like to sit and stand very close to others and are quick to hug and touch.

These people make the best drivers. They can still listen to passengers, have no need to make eye contact and are very spatially aware of everything on the road.

How to spot one: When asked a question, their eyes move down because their thoughts are “stored” in sensate experience and so they check in with their body for reference. They also tend to hug themselves and cross their arms, which can make them seem guarded or nervous when they are quite the opposite.

I was married to a primary kinesthetic (I am a primary visual) for years and learned to accept that crossing his arms, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact were in his nature. Meanwhile, our interaction taught him the value of good eye contact and speaking up to be best understood. Lately, I’ve been dating a lot of auditory men. It’s quite the dance as their eyes follow mine as I stare up into the sky while thinking and as they constantly shift to my side while I vie for a spot directly in front of them…

Communication is hard enough without our bodies getting in the way. By staying conscious of differences between you and your partner, you can bring it up, discuss it, and learn to laugh about it. 

Source: Loveawake dating service