(Featured photo by Photography by Jess Dearing)

In 2014, I got out of a relationship that was not bad so to speak in an unhealthy way, but ill-fitted and, though I was yet to realise it, going nowhere. Of course, I was devastated, though the fact that my grades had significantly dropped between the time my partner had first left me until I met the man who was to become my husband are evidence of that. I had to adjust to not having the love of my life with whom to share.

Fast forward three years and my wedding nears every month. To another human, to someone I would never have considered my 'type' at all. I do dearly care for him and his future – one of the reasons I can be sharp with him, for he does not appreciate how much appearances are necessary and how other people should also factor into our union and the way he behaves – but the other side of me knows that my soulmate belongs elsewhere.

It’s something that I have accepted, and moved away from. I can deal with it, no self-pity involved. (At the moment.)

The other morning, though, I had a dream. Not a dramatic one, despite my propensity for those (as a writer and someone with a vivid imagination, they have happened, death and depression) – but shockingly the opposite. Of my ex. We happened to meet at my place of work, and take stock of each other; we chatted, wondered, assessed. I'm not certain, but it may have been an attempt to guess who had 'won' out of the emotional divorce. Very How I Met Your Mother.

It's always there in my dreams of them: that hope and a notion of what-could-have-been. Even so, this time, the sensation was difficult. A release, almost. I spoke about my fiancé, and they indicated their unavailability too, and my dream-filled heart soared. We could both move on...

Then I awoke. And do you know what I felt most that was permeating through the dream?

Forgiveness. That which we had always needed to offer each other.

However else I was comforted by the imagination, it's difficult to step away truly from a dream like that. Anybody who has ever had a positive dream about an ex will be able to say the same. There's a wistfulness if nothing else. And they stay on your mind through the daytime, a little too close for comfort, even when they are miles away and in the past.

For now, though, I can hope that the fiction my brain churns out has reflected reality and our forgiveness towards each other… However unsaid.


I don’t really talk about the past on there, but you might find other glimpses of my life on my blog and certainly the lives of my fictional characters. 

Published by Alexandrina Brant

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