Originally posted on my blog.
We all have dreams. Big or small. Material or intangible. We are all born with the desire to have this or have that, to achieve things, and to stand out. It just varies, and depending on the dreamer, how you achieve it is basically in your own hands.
I am just months away from graduating and facing the real world, and honestly, I am very afraid. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to graduate it's just that I don't think I have learned enough to be able to keep up in this ever-changing, competitive world.
Now, am I doubting my skills? No. I just know that someone will always be better than me in terms of all the things I think I am good at. Put into consideration the different training's that we've had, the standard of education that each of our respective universities has offered. I mean, it's just overwhelming!
It may look like I am dragging my capabilities to the deepest depths of negativity, but this is reality. I am thinking about the possibility that the dream I have, might stay as a dream for a very long time.
I am pressured. Anxious and pressured about my future. Why? Well, first of all because I am an only child and my mom, like everyone else who knows me and knows my capabilities, expects me to excel in everything I do. They expect me to do extraordinary things and the thought of me failing them and erasing all the wondrous things that they've imagined for me to become is completely disheartening.
Whether we like it or not, we can't deny to ourselves that people's opinions about us matter, more than we think it is. We quietly do things to please them. We become compliant to their demands because we also want to appease ourselves.
Secondly, because I also have put pressure to myself. I have this well-laid plan in my head of what my future should look like, how I want it to be, and I have given myself a quota. I am ambitious and goal-oriented, so if I don't reach anything close to what I have in my mind, I think I am going to lose my mind.
Lastly, I want to prove people wrong. I am not plotting a revenge against anyone. I am actually using all the nays I have received to push myself to do better, to be amazing, to excel. But I am afraid that if I let this anxiety take a good hold of me, I might prove myself wrong.
Now, when did all these self-doubt start? The root of all these panic about my future is the moment when my favorite publishing company did not get me as one of their interns. You must think "That is so shallow!" but you have to understand that this is the company that I have been dreaming to be a part of ever since I took a hold of their magazine for tweens, way back when I was in Grade 6.
I don't know if I applied too late, if there was something wrong in my résumé, or if fate was not just in the mood to make me happy. But yes, despite of coming back there three times and giving my résumé four times, both personal and in e-mail, I did not make the cut.
I definitely lost hope because of that and I definitely learned how hard it is to apply for something you really want and not being able to get it. It's saddening and most of all, it affects your self-esteem. Especially, when you see the people that got accepted, you start questioning everything.
COMING TO TERMS WITH ALL OF IT
I have realized a lot of things along the way. One of them is, I am the key to overcome all of the anxieties that I am having right now. I have the machinery to sharpen my skills, to explore more, to be more intelligent, I have the courage to do all things.
Maybe I should stop doubting myself. Maybe I should start believing in what I can do. I should do things on my own because no one has my back, but me. All in all, my future depends on me. If I screw up, it's on me.
Now, I have dared to think that maybe that internship wasn't for me, you know, maybe I'll be an employee there. One thing's for sure now, I am determined to get in there no matter what happens.
Most of all, I want to succeed, not for other people, but for me because I know I can
Published by Bianca Fermiza