Nostalgic for the Schoolyard Thrill of a Bully-Administered Wedgie?

Nostalgic for the Schoolyard Thrill of a Bully-Administered Wedgie?

May 2, 2016, 8:31:04 PM Life and Styles

Who Needs a Bully? The New “Wedgie-Fit” Jeans Deliver a Long Lasting, Butt Lifting Wedgie Without the Humiliation!

Have you ever found yourself wistfully reminiscing about those playground wedgies you occasionally received as a kid, courtesy of your favorite bully? Me either, but apparently some people do. So now, as with so many other first-world problems, technology has provided the solution. Levi’s new butt plumping “wedgie-fit” jeans are engineered to lift your booty by parting your butt cheeks just enough to give you the merest suspicion of a wedgie. It’s like an instant butt lift without the surgery and your new snugged-up derriere is gonna rock the sexy-meter right the hell off the charts!


So what’s the secret of the latest “better-butt” jeans? A new high-tech, low-stretch denim fabric that was the result of exhaustive research and testing by some of the best butt-shaping minds of the fashion world. Considered to be part of the broader category of “hip huggers”, these high-waisted jeans resist flattening of the bum and instead impart “bubble butt” lifting and plumping where it’s needed most. In the words of one ardent fan of these fanny-flattering slacks:


“These are the type of jeans I would wear when I want my booty to do all the talking”.


Speaking of talking booty, I should probably mention these fashion forward jeans are just for the ladies (and perhaps men with gender identity issues). I’ve heard rumors of a new line of “reverse-wedgie” jeans for men that’s in the works so I’m keeping my ears open and you can bet your buns I’ll be among the first to report on them.


For now, let’s keep the focus on the female posterior. Here are reviews from some of the early “wedgie-fit” test subjects that helped fabric engineers develop what promises to be the most exciting trend in Dungarees since “a skosh more room”:


I have a pancake ass. These jeans didn’t exactly turn me into J. Lo but I did feel a new sense of bootyliciousness I could definitely get used to.


I used to walk past construction sites and get only the obligatory and distinctly unenthusiastic cat-calls. Now I have to steer clear of construction workers all together for fear I might be a hazardous distraction to men using power tools.


These jeans are AWESOME! They make my butt look perkier and peachier. The only downside is men in my office never pick stuff up for me anymore when I drop something. They just sort of stand there in breathless anticipation.


I’m unfortunately afflicted with “small butt syndrome”. I don’t know if these jeans actually make my butt look any bigger but it definitely looks less small!


So there you have it. The sexiest new jeans to come down the pike since Daisy Dukes are inspired by the most decidedly unsexy, uncomfortable and particularly unflattering phenomenon of the simple schoolyard wedgie. What’s not to love?

Published by Bill Hoover

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