Differences in Dating Etiquette Across Racial Lines
I recently had a date with a very gorgeous black lady and I found it spellbinding to hear her recount experiences from disaster-dates she had been on. She only ever dated a white guy once before and while not a particularly pleasant experience, she decided to give it another shot. After all, she explained, “I’ve had more lousy dates with black guys than I can count and it never occurred to me to write all black men off as un-datable”.
Well, I dare say her second date with a Caucasian went better than the first. I got a goodnight kiss and a seemingly sincere invitation to call her again so we could plan date #2.
I’ve been dating online for about a year and a half now and most of the ladies I’ve met seem to enjoy sharing war stories from previous ill-fated dates. Since most of the dates I’ve ever been on were with other Caucasians who primarily dated their own race, I thought it might be interesting to compare some of their war stories to those of this ebony goddess who had dated mostly black men. I wanted to see if I might recognize a pattern that would indicate different expectations between black men and white men in the earliest stage of courtship. Everyone needs a hobby eh?
The most glaring differences between black and white men’s early expectations in dating (according to my limited research) had to do with……. drum roll please……. you guessed it: SEX. I’m talking about issues like: when are we going to have it, how are we going to have it, where are we going to have it and how much money am I going to have to spend on you before we have it.
By now we’ve all heard of the 3 date rule. Most women I’ve met don’t subscribe to it and opine it’s more wishful male thinking than an actual rule of dating etiquette. In fact, the most egregious breech of dating etiquette from most women’s perspective (at least as far as I can tell) is a guy automatically assuming since it’s the third date sex is obligatory. One gal told me a story of a third date she went on about a year earlier. They met at a restaurant and had dinner. Afterwards her decidedly misguided date announced “well, I got us a room”. She acted a bit confused and asked “what do you mean, you got us a room? Got us a room for what?” Mr. Sensitivity just replied “well, you know…...it’s our third date” as if that was all the explanation necessary. Well, at least he got his room deposit back.
So the biggest issue women have with dating white men, in my educated but still humble opinion is this: they don’t want to be expected to do ANYTHING at a set number of dates or a set amount of money a guy spends. They feel cheapened by a guy saying, in effect: come on baby, I bought you 3 dinners and a box of candy so now you gotta put out!
My hopefully soon to be girlfriend had markedly different experiences to relate from her disaster-dates with black men. She said “black men don’t have a 3 date rule……it’s more like a 1 date rule. He doesn’t even have to spend money on you either! If he had to drive any distance to meet you, you’re expected to be grateful and obliged to make it worth his while”. She added that black men have often asked her for very specific sexual favors on a first date and have been quite insistent. I’m not talking about trying to force themselves on her (although she did once have to be rescued in a parking lot as a guy tried to shove her into his car). “It’s more just a guilt trip they lay on you”. They use persuasive arguments like “come on baby, why you gotta be like that?” or “what are you saving it for?”. They remind you of the expense and inconvenience they suffered to go out with you and try to frame it as “tit for tat” (no pun intended). I did you a favor so now the least you can do is……. well, you get the drift.
I can’t speak for all white middle aged single men but for my part, if I ended up in bed with a gal by the third date I’d count myself lucky. I’m sure I wouldn’t be pushing for anything she might possibly find distasteful.……. except maybe if we were drunk or stoned…… or both. Normally I think it’s best to just go with the flow and let things happen in their own time.
I want to be clear I’m not making any judgements here and these are all things I’ve been told by women with no reason to lie. I know for a fact there are plenty of white guys expecting all manner of sex on a first date and being pretty bad sports when they get turned down. There are also plenty of black gentlemen who would never dream of employing such crude and unimaginative tactics. Maybe it has nothing to do with race at all but more of a cultural or socio-economic thing.
I’m still confused and bewildered. I like getting laid as much as the next guy and sometimes it does seem like it makes more sense to get that first time out of the way early on. At least you don’t waste each other’s time if it turns out you’re sexually incompatible for some reason. I think the problem may lie with the fact that it’s human nature to place more value on something elusive, something you have to chase after. What comes too easily is perceived as having less value.
A woman’s virtue should never be given too easily or taken too lightly!
Published by Bill Hoover