Local man Chuck Harding finishes 10th beer since returning home
Chuck was never a big drinker, that's why when his wife Melissa saw him chugging beers as soon as he returned home from work, she was confused. When she questioned him the only response that she could make out was "I heard a bald Deh." which she took to mean that he was upset about his hair loss. This confused her even more and she decided to go to her sister's house while Chuck drank, a decision that would shake the foundation of their already rocky marriage.
Chuck had never been good at drinking games
In college, he had been the brunt of many jokes about "light weight" drinking. Chuck had three beers at an event meant to raise money for cystic fibrosis during a week designed to foster charitable habits and wound up naked in a pool of vomit on the lawn of a prestigious fraternity. His nickname for the next three years was "baby penis", a nom de plume that had carried on in his marriage. The next time he consumed alcohol he would only embarrass himself just slightly more than before. While having a glass of wine at dinner with a group of professors Chuck would proceed to fondle his academic advisor and plead for a "hot carl". He didn't know what that was, but the professor did. The relationship that followed his proposition would end when prof. Chanesty decided that he was in fact, a very reasonable person when sober, this was not enough for her.
Beer #5 the last thing he remembered
Chuck was always a reasonable person unless he had the occasion to drink any amount of alcohol, something that he could never handle. There was a moment during this fateful night that he made a transition to something more than just Chuck Harding. Halfway through his fifth beer, he began to feel like he was a different person. When the last drop of liquid left the bottle and entered his system he became something else. He was no longer the man that paid his taxes on time and went to work every day to perform his duties aptly. He wasn't the man that came home to his loving wife and showered her with the love that she deserved. Chuck was now that naked man on the front lawn of the fraternity that had no idea how he had gotten there.
This is what friends had always called him when he was drunk. The Chuckster was never boring or wrong, he had the best response to any insult, and the Chuckster believe it or not, was one of the most highly regarded chess players in the city. He made his way to the tables at the park to pick up a game, but found that it was five in the morning and no one was around. This is when he had a revelation of epic proportions. The Chuckster being as brilliant as he was realized that if he jumped from the high-rise building he was facing he could surely fly and find the nearest Taco Bell, which was his favorite thing to eat.
When the police arrived to talk him down from the ledge he was standing on he protested to an extent that the officer with the megaphone talking him down almost gave up. They had been trying to reach him but the Chuckster had outsmarted them before they arrived and had barricaded the only entrance to the roof so that no one would interrupt his historical flight to Taco Bell.
A tragic ending
Local hero and all around good guy Chad Preston was very aware that there was a man on the roof ready to jump to his death. At just the right time Chad opened his 12th story window and caught the Chuckster before he had a chance to take his last flight. Chad set him down on the floor and laughed heartily because he realized Chuck was the same man that had received a hot Carl that was posted online. After waking, the Chuckster attempted to perform fellatio on Chad screaming about how he had the Taco Bell he had ordered and "Would I have to suck your dick for it?" At press time a very confused and yet again embarrassed Chuck Harding lie in a hospital bed with a sore throat, an empty bag of Taco Bell, and several burrito wrappers scattered about his bed and floor.
Published by Blake Gardner