I miss you. I miss you more than anything in the world. I miss you more than a newborn baby needing his mother to cuddle him and feed him. I miss you something fierce, but also sincere. I miss your strength and your courage. I miss that you were the only one who missed me when I left. Above all else I miss our talks. I could always count on your company and your admiration of life. It kept me going. It's like when I lost you, I lost a part of me. I lost my hope.
When I close my eyes at night and think of one memory of you it always comes down to the same one. I think about the time where your mom hosted a birthday party for you. The night was starting to wind down and all the bottles are about to be empty. Instead of finding you in the center of the fun and games I find you outside staring at the moon and the stars. I saw the look on your face and I didn't want to disrupt it. It was like you were having a conversation with the sky. You were having a moment. Then when you realized I was there all you did was say that you didn't want the moon to ever be without its stars. Because the moon was always forgotten about, and that I was her moon. The one who gave her light in her darkest hours.
I couldn't fully appreciate it then, but I do now. You were my moon as well. A moon I'm still struggling to replace. Some times I don't want to replace you, but I know I need to. I need to for my own sanity sometimes, but it's hard. I still come to your grave and leave you fresh flowers. I still write you poems and letters about everything you meant to me. And every time I do I never think it's enough. We had a bond so strong I always thought it could transcend this world into the next. Somehow my words would get to you, and you'd find a way back to me.
It's crazy to me that it's been four years. I'm just as lost now as I was back then. I'm a lost little boy looking for his teddy bear. The one thing in the world that brings him comfort. I have no doubt in my mind that our friendship would have evolved into a partnership and into marriage. You were the one. You were my one. I'll never have another friend like you. It's not something anyone deserves to happen twice. I can only smile thinking about you as a mother. Your delicate features glowing towards watching our children grow. Your spirit and comfort to keep me alive. To push me to try new things. I don't know anymore where I'm going to get that second gear without you.
I used to pass by our spots that we always went to and smiled. It didn't take long before it turned to teary eyes. It was breaking my heart and killing me the same way the cancer did to you. I knew I had to leave. As much as I didn't want to, I had to find a way to move on with my life. So I left. And each time I feel like I'm taking a step forward I think about you. I think about how I want my moon back and do anything to sabotage myself so I have that stillness of the night where the whole world is quiet. I look at the stars and those are the times I think of you, and I think about what you would say. And even though I'm in misery I know you're there. I feel you. In that misery I feel a comfort that I know I can't feel from anything else. But I know I'm alone.
Sam I'm writing you this letter because I met someone. I know it'll never work out because she's not you. But somehow I just want you to fall from the sky and talk to me. To tell me everything is alright and I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting such physical desires. I'm broken. I know I can only give her half of myself. The other half I leave with you every Christmas and every birthday we have. I know half of myself isn't going to be enough. It's just a matter of time before she figures it out. But I keep trying to at least give someone 75% of myself. I'm not sure if I'll ever be enough to keep another person happy. But I keep thinking of you and I keep thinking I have to try. I have to try to be the man you always thought I was. I need to keep searching for the stars so I'm never alone.
Your Moon With Broken Wings
Published by Brian Argetsinger