I’ve said this before, but the worst thing about mental illness is knowing what’s wrong and not being able to do anything about it. Your brain is split in half and the two sides are constantly at war with one another. You know for a fact that what one side of your brain is telling you isn’t true, but it still hurts so much to hear.
Eventually, you’re just worn the fuck down. You start believing the lies. You believe you can’t do what you wanna do. You believe that you’re shit at your job. You believe that everyone secretly hates you. You believe that everyone’s gonna find out that you’re a fraud. You believe it all and it stops you from doing everything.
All the things you’re good at, all the things you used to love, you just can’t do them anymore because you think you’re worthless at them. Shit, even getting out of bed and taking a shower is a damn near impossible feat. Then to top it all off, everyone around you just does not or will not understand.
They call you lazy. They call you nasty. They say you’re throwing a pity party. They say you’re only looking for attention. They tell you that you have nothing to worry about because you live in the US, you have money, you’re not starving, etc.
That shit only makes you feel worse because you don’t have “real” problems. Other people are worse off than you, so why are you so sad? What the fuck do you have to complain about. Maybe you are being a dick. Maybe you should just “suck it up”, but you can’t.
Part of you understands why you can’t just “suck it up” b/c it’s a mental illness, but you still try to. It’s like you’re Sisyphus. You’re pushing this gigantic boulder uphill only to watch it roll back down time after time. This, for many of us, is where meds kick in.
The meds turn that giant boulder into a small pebble that we can put in our pocket so we can walk up that hill finally. The illness isn’t gone completely. It’s still there. It’s just manageable. This is why the “you shouldn’t take those meds because reasons” rhetoric is so damn insulting and dangerous.
You want to turn that small pebble back into a massive boulder, one that may crush us completely.
We can’t just pray it away.
We can’t just meditate it away.
We can’t just change our diet so it’ll go away.
Those things may help as a supplement, but many of us need these medications. You wouldn’t tell someone with diabetes to stop taking their insulin, right? You wouldn’t tell someone who broke their leg to stop using crutches. Don’t tell us to stop taking our psychiatric medication.
Published by Brittney White