How to Treat Service Workers, a Step-By-Step Tutorial

Ok, take a deep breath, you important customer you. You can do this. After all, you're always right. Just remember that you are paying your hard-earned money for this service, and you are so entitled to exactly what you are expecting. Now that you've had the pep-talk of the century, follow these simple steps to successfully interacting with the person behind the counter.

1. Ignore their greeting. It's obligatory and meaningless, and you are too important to respond to them. After all, they're wearing and apron. 

2. Ask questions that you could answer yourself by reading the menu, sign or price tag. This either makes the ignoramus in front of you feel smart, or it saves you the time and energy of moving your eyes and using your powers of comprehension.  

3. Loudly complain about the fact that they don't have what you want. This arrogant employee before you had the gall to inform you that this establishment does not sell the exact thing you were hoping for, despite offering numerous acceptable alternatives. The nerve.

4. Micromanage. After all, you know how to do this person's job MUCH better than they do. They're probably earning minimum wage, which automatically brings their I.Q. down by 100. It's simple science.

5. Toss your money at them across the counter. They love this, as it appeals to their basal instinct which resembles that of a dog being tossed a bone. It also eliminates the risk of you catching whatever disease condemned them to this life of servitude, the lowest of all occupations.

6. Don't tip them. They get paid by the hour. Besides, did they offer you a discount for being the beautiful and considerate person that you are? Did they go out of their way to attempt to be your life-long pal? Didn't think so.

7. Don't say thank you. In fact don't say much at all. Service workers are easily frightened by interpersonal communication of any kind since 90% of them are millennials. 

There you have it! Simple, right? Keep in mind that service workers are less intelligent than you are, and probably have no life goals. This is the best they think they can do and are content to stay exactly where they are - serving you, the best customer they'll ever get! And don't worry, they definitely won't talk about you after you leave.