How to be Successful

So you want to be successful, right? Of course you do! Really, who's sitting at home thinking, "you know, I'd really just spend my life failing at everything"? Success is important to all people, it's what drives us through our lives.

But what, exactly, is success? Well, we live in a capitalist country, which means that success can only be achieved through money! So what you have to do is get all the money you possibly can, and then-

What's that? You think there's more to life than money? The thing that gives you the most fulfillment isn't necessarily something that will make you money, but you still aren't willing to give it up?

Well... okay... weird... But no matter! With a simple reworking of our definition, we can change success into something more palatable!

Happiness!

That's right success is synonymous with happiness now! (Happiness and money)

So the next step is, how do you get happiness? Well, in order to do this, you need to find that thing that makes you feel happy. You know, that thing. I don't know what it is, what do you think this is, a one-on-one conversation? I'm talking to a whole bunch of people at once here, I can't say what it is that makes them all happy!

Maybe it's marriage.

Maybe it's a career.

Maybe it's children.

And I've only just been informed by my lovely assistant that there are other things that make people happy as well. I don't know what sort of thing you freaks are into, art or something like that.

But moving on! Now that you've all identified that thing that makes you happy, it's time to start moving toward it! And how do you do that? Well, you have to pursue it tirelessly. I mean full-on, one-track mind, wake-up-thinking-about-it-every-morning sort of tirelessly. As long as you do that, then no doubt, you'll be successful.

What's that? I can't hear you, can you speak up?

You have anxiety, and pursuing something that hard and fast puts you into a panic attack and makes it difficult for you to do anything at all?

You have children who depend on you, and require some of your time as well?

Due to some sort of social imbalance, the thing that you're trying to pursue is very difficult for you to achieve, and therefore, there's no guarantee that you will be successful?

You know what, fuck this! You want to know how to succeed? Really? You don't give up. You keep working toward something, even if all you can afford is tiny little progresses day-by-day, and no matter what the end result is, at least you were successful so far as you tried.

Besides that, I can't tell you what to do. There is no one magical road to success, because we're all on different paths. Everyone is dealing with their own life, and everyone has their own unique method of getting by, and what you need to do is find a method that works for you. Maybe you need to work a little slower than everyone else. Maybe you need to take a break entirely. And that's okay. So long as you keep trying, keep pushing through your obstacles, you will be successful.