a little back story

My life was never planned perfectly. Honestly I can’t remember when I ever decided to put order into my life. I was always a love bug. I would have chosen a life as a wife, rather than being alone. But due to my actions I became pregnant with my high school sweethearts first born son; forgetting I had a life I needed to complete first. At the age of 18 while I was away at college when I became pregnant after visiting home for the weekend. Lost in confusion as to what was next to come. I grew up in a place where I had much to nothing. We only had hot water, until it ran cold on us. The heater or ac unit never worked in my house. We have always had a kerosene heater and plug in ac unit ever since I could remember. The floors where coming up; there was holes in the walls and the floors. I was always embarrassed for anyone to come in my house. But I always wanted my friends over and I always wanted a house like my friends. Something I could feel good about. Basically, we were poor. My college education would come from loans and a lot of debt. And we never had the cool phones and things like my friends had. But my parents tried, very hard. My dad always worked four or more jobs at once. Just to take care of us.

At that moment in my life, I was depressed. Worrying; what will I do next. My son needed more than I could give him alone. I remember very vaguely when our ac went out in the middle of the summer. My son was just born probably a month old. And I could remember being in panic from the unknowing. The sound of resentment I heard in my dad’s voice every time he would answer my phone calls. At this point, even I hated me. I hated who I was and who I became to be. My life was full of potential; but my selfish carless actions resulted me into becoming a mom. No matter how in love I thought I once was; I could of never been ready to become a mom. I’m a dreamer, so would constantly dream of better days. I would dream and pray for happiness. I didn’t want to hate my son; I just didn’t want a child. As my emotions weighed in on my heart I started to rebel. Leaving for nights; drinking and smoking. Not caring about the child, I have just conceived. I just wanted to be me and free. As time passed on God continued blessing me. Positioning me into a new house that only God could see. A Promising job, that was a step up out of finical misery; and a new mind set. Blessing my heart to finally find peace. This was two years after my son’s birth. He was at this time three years old. And I was 22, and at my young age I couldn’t remember hardly any of the cute creative things my son would do. reason being is because I pushed him on to my mom to help me take care of him and of course the constant dabbling in cannabis for so long; in doing so losing one of the most important times in his and my life. I started to see how bad of a mother I could be. I prayed for God to please bring those forgotten memories back to me. I prayed; I prayed to become a better mother; and I prayed for emotional peace. Time continues to pass…..

This time Now, I was still dabbling in cannabis; but I was now addicted. To the way it made me feel. Through all my worries and problem’s this drug helped heal me (so I thought). When I was just 21 the summer before my 22nd birthday. I was rapped. “Rapped” a word we hear too often. I was raped while being overly intoxicated. I completely lost my self. All I wanted was love and to see a stranger who never knew me; feel the need to have his hands and personal places near mines. To fathom the thought of your whole body not having control while someone else is in control of your body without you knowing; is the worst thing I’ve ever felt. I’ve been cussed out, embarrass, almost fought over little things, I almost had a wreck with my son and sister and family in the car. And still this feels like the worst thing.

Lost in emotions the cannabis had gotten heavier for me. I was the one who was always the social butterfly. I always wanted to get out, and enjoy life. But now after having my son, dealing with depression and self-confidence issues. I found myself  lost in a deep dark state of mind, of resent and anger. Which only added on to the boat load of personal problems.

When I was in high school; I struggled with my weight, even after high school. I would make myself throw up food I had just ate (some call that bulimia). I would starve myself, feeling the sick disgusting painful feeling of starvation. Just trying to keep up with my weight. Because I felt I had to be a certain size to fit in. Even now, it’s hard to look in the mirror without having this dissatisfaction feeling.

One year later, my son is now four. I am 23; no college degree, single mother, finical struggles; trying to figure out life.

Those memories I prayed for; started to come back to me. But only with me opening up to my son more (actions equal reaction). In march of 2017 my mother was in an accident. That resulted in me having to become her care taker. Which also meant I had to become a full-time mother to my son. God works in mysterious ways. With the strength of God; I could take care of my mom, clean cook and raise my son. Me and him grew much closer. Now I would never live without him. His happiness allows me to be happy, his sadness results in tears for me. I want my son to have more than I ever did and to be better than I ever was.

Being out of work for two months just to take care of my mom becomes a finical struggle.

I had always struggled with finances. My spending methods were so bad; I spent money on things I had always wanted and was never able to get. Then once I had gotten those things I had always wanted it resulted to nothing. Materials are not for happiness. Even when at time those things will make you feel happy; that happiness will not last but for so long. I became in debt, from taking on my parent’s bills from my old house and putting them in my name; then when I found out I could get loans, I got every loan there was, until I was loaned out. Now at 23 swimming in debt. Trying to find a better job, that will allow me to take care of my family. And my son.

Lost trying to figure out my life; where should I go and what shall I do. I am a creator and visionary so I often create things; draw out and turn my visions into reality. I have tried so many things just to start a business. I went to college; I had jars in faith (everyone does), we had all in one café, walk in faith, pennies for a purpose and finally My YouTube videos. I failed at all these things. Seeing kids younger then me creating and building things that I wish I could have done first. Graduating and thriving. Not sure what was stopping my fruits from blossoming as I see those around me starting to blossom. I thought I was on the right track, and then something went left. Somewhere.

In the midst of all things I found faith. Not because God kept blessing me, but because Jesus was the only one I could trust. Even in times where I couldn’t trust myself. He loved and watched over me more than I did my self.

I was to passive of where I felt my future should go, instead of following where my future should lead. I’m a firm believer in your mistakes placing you in the direction you were always needed. And I always believed all things work out for the good of those who believe in Jesus. I’ve been let down so many times, by friends, family; spouses. That I gave up on love, I gave up on self, even isolating myself away from family, old friends even new friends. Putting myself in a bubble. That only me and God could notice.

I woke up 5/1/2017 and I felt joy, I woke up and I felt change; in heart and in the future. I woke up, to no longer being this stereotype; No longer being like the rest. I woke up, knowing that I will have a financial break through, I will break the chains that have been set on my family to fail. I will become a great business women, mother, wife, coach, sister, aunt, child and follower in Gods will. He will continue to protect and change my directions leading me to my everlasting purpose. Today I felt change, I decided to tell my story so random, not for you; but for me, and for those who has also walked in my shoes. No matter where your last step was; as long as you keep stepping through.

Life is hard, tricky and overly expensive. discover whatever you feel makes your days go by in peace. Whether that be, your kids, your job, your religion, your relation, your health, wealth etc. Whatever it may be, just know it is still in your reach. Don’t feel down on yourself due to the steps you feel you missed or you wish you could retake. 10% of the time things will happen; its life, and that other 90% is the change you can make with the situation that you may face.

Breathe, release all negative thoughts. And move on. Life becomes new every day you live; so, live it. Don’t look at other people’s paths and feel that should have been you. Trust me, I do it all the time. Look at others and say I will have a better life than the one I originally wanted. Trust that statement and grow into who you were always destined to be.

Published by Cierra Nicole Crews

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