I am terrified. As the proverbial clock ticks loudly in my mind, I am reminded that each and every day, I am wasting my life. I am reminded that I have missed out on so much by choosing to do so little. I am reminded that my compulsive procrastination is my cancer, hard work is my chemotherapy, and I am too much of a coward to suffer through the intense treatment that could potentially save my life.
Every second of every day, I insufferably do nothing as the clock pounds away…
Tick… I am 25 years old with nothing to show for it.
Tock… I have crushing debt that I cannot possibly pay back.
Tick… I live on my parent’s couch in the house I grew up in.
Tock… I don’t have a car and will not be able to afford one anytime soon.
Tick… I have yet to go back to school and fear that it’s too late to start now.
Tock… I am a quarter of a century old, and instead of changing the world – as I naively thought I would have done by now when I was a teenager- I am a failure-to-launch 20-something, addict who hates himself, hates the world, and has no practical skills to speak of. I am nothing.
I am terrified.
Tick… My personality has now become indistinguishably intertwined with negativity, resentment, hatred, and self-delusional aspirations to compensate for my lack of productivity.
Tock… My everyday world has now become a prison and psychosis has become my warden. I no longer stick a needle in my arm, but with every day wasted I am drawn closer to the temptation of the sweet release that is heroin and methamphetamine’s promise of letting me forget that I am me.
Tick… I narcissistic-ally obsess about how smart I am and how everyone else is stupid, yet I have no proof of either. What’s more, I am a self-serving cycle of self-delusion and hatred for not having more. Like a snake eating its body, I hate the fact I am not more and feel as though I’m better than those who are in places I would like to be… Through apathetic fits I rant about what I could do if things were different, yet I do nothing.
Tock… my insecurities tear me apart from the inside and prevent me from truly acting on any ambitions, dreams or building any genuine relationships. I am a self-fulfilling prophecy as I live according to what my insecurities allow me to do. I am fearful that I will fail, be embarrassed or lose respect of those I care about. So, I embarrassingly choose to not act on any passions or dreams I have, thus fulfilling my prophetic insecurities.
Tick…I am becoming complacent in my self-hatred and am now hate others for not hating me as well. Self- hatred has become self-awareness and anyone who is stupid enough to believe in me is too delusional to be taken seriously.
Tock… I am 25 years wasted. I am nothing more than nothing less. I am terrified.
… As the clock taunts me with each passing second wasted, I am left with the mindset of now or never. I haven’t acted on anything for so long, that I feel as though I will blink and be a 40-year-old resentful cunt who has no one left to blame but himself for his wasted life.
I should just follow through with the inevitable, cliche notion that suggests quite emphatically that my life is over and it won’t change, because I can’t change…
No…NO!… What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I thinking?
Fuck that. Fuck that. FUCK THAT! FUCK THAT!
No! I will not become my worst nightmare of a wasted life built from hatred and regret. I will choose now as the time for me to make a move and do something! …literally anything that brings me validation for living the years I have! I will find my way! I will act in spite of my insecurities and fears! Fuck my fears! Fuck my insecurities, and fuck what others think of me!
I refuse to let the fear of failure ruin my life any longer. I refuse to live my life according to how it will make me look if I fail. I refuse to listen to the voice in my head who says I am right to hate myself. I refuse to fucking waste Any. More. Fucking. Time. I refuse.
I will make a difference, within my life and within the life of others. I will work my fucking ass off until my name is synonymous with diligence. I will proudly stand by those who support my dreams and I will show them a fierce loyalty that is unyielding in return. I will stand up to those who do not support me in my journey and use their indifferent view of me as motivation to prove them wrong.
I will kill and die for those who love me. I will give back to those who have supported me, and I will be a walking testimony for those who need hope.
I will beg, steal, cheat and borrow for a life worth living. I will do everything I can to grow out of this rut, this prison I have created. Every day will be a step away from mediocrity’s spinning wheels… I will be who I was born to be.
I will not wait for one more single second to start the journey that is me. I am 25 years in the making of a purpose that is bigger than me, and though I don’t understand it now, I will believe in my purpose and the power of my voice!
I am now the seemingly reckless whim of betting it all on 25 red, but will rise as an incredibly fortunate victor in the end for betting it all on myself… I am the culmination of when the anger of the disenfranchised finds the passion of those who succeed at all costs. I am the me I was meant to be…
I will no longer live in fear of the clicks that tick away on the clock that is my lifetime. I will fill every second with value so that every ticking click in my head becomes a metronome for a symphony that is my wondrous life..
Published by Cristo Rogers