the story of my life

today i am writing the story of my life.

when i say life, i refer to it as in retrospect. the grander scheme of things. the whole tapestry. maybe what i mean is that today, i am writing the story of right now.

this very moment. this speck of existence and consciousness among vast billions of throbbing molecules that vibrate together to make up this physical plane called earth.

i wrote for one year how my life drastically changed; how one thing came crumbling down after the other; ending my first serious-love relationship and moving out on a whim; being courted by a mysterious spanish film director only to be tangled between his charm and his constant lies. inconsistency. i fell in and out of love probably 5 times last year. my dad’s life ended after his battle with cancer: my eyes opened to the fact that fear can kill you and it’s very real.

i catch myself, here, now. at my late twenties. 365 days later.  things are calmer, like a steady river.. for now.

but there’s a nebula brewing within. it’s ready to burst wide open.

if i could share it all in words, i would…this is the closest i can get.
there’s hurt. healing pain. the desire to renew the love i had for myself (it’s coming back). learning to be completely individual again.

coming back braver. stronger. craving to stand in my truth: because if i do not take a stand now, when will i ever?
childhood memories flash back from over ten to fifteen years ago.. i see where fear played its part. i see where it held its cruel grip around my mind, causing me to fear anyone or anything outside of me. i’m lucky i had ballet classes and performances to use as my safe place and escape for so long.

i see myself now. synergistically intertwined with the need to move forward, a curiosity to leap, cast my net…but the necessary logical need to stay safe. contained.

and it is a battle when your heart knows one way, then the mind detects another..

if there’s only a way to bring it all together.

i do know i am wholly on my own now. no lover to hold me down, to tell me i’ll never be loved fully by someone.
i do know self love is the foundation of all success. it is necessary. it is another heart we have - a second one; invisible. but often we neglect that heartbeat.
i do know i have a truth to spill, a story to share, something to say

for too long, i held back.
no more. no more.