Realizing my fears in life——20 years of existence, I am much sadder and scared, not knowing what path to take, what love will make me feel, what life will give.

2 more days and I will be turning 20——not that old, but it was the age that I wanted to reach when I was still a kid. I thought being in that age is something exciting, turns out, it was tremendously scary. I thought when I reach that age, I will be finally setting myself free from sad things.  I thought, being in your 20's, you will have so many friends, enough to have group dance inside a bar. Unfortunately, it's not like that. Having friends doesn't matter anymore. I think I was pretty dumb setting my life standards based on what I see on movies.

 Also, I am quite surprised that I reached this age. Pretty sure I've decided to kill myself so many times before——attempting to run away, not to look back.

I guess I was still pretty weak about deciding to do that kind of thing. Maybe——there's still a part of me that's hoping that this world, my life specifically, can turn out as something remarkable in the end. I have so many fears. All of them are pretty small for you, but for me, they are the demons that hunts me in my sleep, even when I'm still awake. causing a lot of insomnia, troubles and overthinking.

Realizing at this point, I've come to conclude that adults are much sadder than teens. It is my own opinion, my own belief. When we were still at our teenage years, we get to get sad a lot even there's so many people that surrounds us. We push them away to test their loyalty, feelings to us, on how much they can take if they're with people like us. But when you're an adult, we're all alone. 

We grow alone—— love alone, live alone. Adults tend to watch their life fall apart, not knowing is it still worth it to put it back into pieces, —— not knowing where to go..——we tend to lose our way. 

Reaching this age, I learned that..—— having friends doesn't somehow matter anymore. It's up to us whether we let people go or let them stay.  Love is painful, it fucks your brain out, drains your energy, but in the end—— it's somehow worth feeling..In life, whatever path we take, there's always a way—— watching your life fall apart is extremely mortifying but getting back on your feet and build a new is mesmerizing. Decision making, whatever we choose, in the end, we always go on the better result. Sometimes, wrong decisions in life are the worth taking the risk. eventually, it's a rare gem and in the end, everything will turn out as the "best decision" ever..Curiosity, explore as much as you can. Whatever it is, if it makes you feel alive and good, if it's a good catch, don't let it go. 

 

Published by Lindsáey Erianne