I hate sharing my food for a myriad of reasons, so here is a list of 15 to explain why I shudder and despair at the thought of sharing my beloved meal/snack/anything that you can devour:

  1. Okay, firstly, it's my food not yours; I would appreciate if we keep our plates separate, maybe a couple of meters apart.
  2. I have no idea where your hands have been. Did you just go to the toilet? Touch a banister? I literally haven't a clue. I don't want to die an unwanted death from your germs; and even if you do wash your hands, it's still a big no no as the thought of other people's fingers touching things that will evidently go inside of me makes me quiver.
  3. I am also one greedy cow who likes to eat, so it's probably best to just leave me be. 
  4. Expanding on point 3, when I am eating I am most likely very hungry, and when I am hungry I am also very sensitive and angry. So cow + sensitivity = you don't want to know.
  5. Honestly, I just don't like you. (Okay, this one is slightly far fetched, however I dislike pretty much everyone don't take it personally)
  6. I also find the swapping of food slightly uncomfortable; but then again I find most events crippling, with social situations involving food right up there in the list of "15 things that I find awkward." (Coming soon...)
  7. I have boundaries which are NOT to be crossed. Ever.
  8. Yet there are occasionally times when I cave in and decide to let them grab a chip or two; a truly heroic thing for me to do. However, my good deed doesn't go unpunished as more often than not that person takes far too much. I'm sorry, but if you really wanted the whole plate to yourself then why didn't you just go and buy it? (I don't make lunch with the intention of feeding you as well)
  9. This said, some people who share my plate of deliciousness like to wait and take the bit that I was saving until last. Cow + sensitivity..
  10. When people ask most don't do so politely, which is an instant turn off. 
  11. Even though I sometimes get called names, I can handle it; it's just another side effect of eating something massive and highly calorific.   
  12. I can also handle the amount of food on my plate so there is no need for someone else to help me finish it. Please, just call me Adam Richman. 
  13. Another mentality that I have is: unless you paid for half of it you aren't entitled to eat half of it. I'm sorry about that, that's just the way I work.
  14. I am not incapable of sharing, it's just that food is an essential part of my day so it is not up for grabs. Some clearly think differently...
  15. And finally: once someone starts to eat a bit, others come along and they're like vultures, hacking away at something that someone else found first.

So, lessons to be learnt:

- Buy/make your own food
- Don't ask me to share my food
- If you do please ask politely and only do so if you have an extreme urge
- Only take a little bit and please minimise the amount of hands-on-food action
- Eating is not a team sport, so please don't act like it is

See you soon!



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Published by Sofia MacKeith