I have a chemistry exam tomorrow notes to read and an early bedtime so this is all you're getting tonight, a rendition of my childhood written last summer when everything was so fun and carefree. I'm too lazy to edit or make it even sound less incriminating less future employers read it - just know that I was young, dumb, broke and probably making half of it up. At the age of 17 I have yet to have actually had any alcohol cross my virgin lips nor have ever stayed up till the dawn of the next morn nor traversed across golf fields not in my finest britches etc. 




One year ago I set out to be the biggest wanker on the face of the earth, not gonna lie I think I’ve done pretty well. 

Last night was pretty rowdy, literally a mental sesh. The day ones went hard at it and swathed until 4am, seriously I don’t think I’ve ever felt so out of it, oh well it was fun. 

In fear of incriminating myself we ran onto a neighbouring golf course, stole all the flags and ran around with them, turns out of you twirl them around real quick they make a cool ass fluttering sound. 

This might be a disappointing last post but I’ve written my last post yesterday and this is me recounting my childhood stories of merriment. 

Doomedwolf knocks himself out 5 minutes in after reems of Russian water, a lovely bottle of wine and a litre of frosty jacks. He’s rendered catatonic for hours, rousing only to break a chair and watch Michael Phelps win his race at 3 in the morning. 

We played beer pong and not gonna lie perhaps the greatest moment of my life. I’ve never played before because I don’t go to enough cool parties to have, I get poised to take the first shot of the game, “it’s just like badminton isn’t it?” raise onto my toes and take the shot. A perfect arc. It plops straight into the beer and the crowd erupts, never have I been such a sporting legend before. 

The sesh should’ve ended at 11, everyone was meant to get the train home and everything would be frosty jacks. The sesh did not finish at 11, only to increase in vigour as another bottle of Russian water was located and the rousing battle cries of “sesh sesh sesh” continue into the night. Then we ran into the golf course and tried making chips which actually turned out pretty well. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’m basically a social introvert so I spent a good portion of time just sitting in the sitting room chatting about random things to some person who I’ll probably not meet again and don’t really know. I suppose it adds a certain amount of freedom to it, you don’t really feel judged or at fear of being ratted out so thanks for that kiddo. 

This morning I woke up at 7:30. 3 hours sleep in the tank, I glanced over at my friends and whispered “we need to sneak out”. To give you some context we were meant to help in the morning and tidy up, I was having none of that this morning. I snuck into another room, grabbed my phone charger and told the occupant to shut up whilst me and my friends snuck out and into freedom. We got dressed pretty sharpish and got ready to run out. Then Jose walks out of the bathroom. Jose is the biggest lightweight in the world and will go mental after a few shots, approximately 10 hours after she stopped drinking she emerged from the bathroom dishevelled and slightly insane. With a conspiritol look she smiled and whispered “are you guys gonna start cleaning up early” we all quickly agreed in unison and ran off into the cold Scottish weather. We ran into the train station and jumped onto the train and shouted about harambe much to the chagrin of our fellow passengers. 

We got off the train and went to the shops, my two co-conspirators got caught for not buying tickets and were forced to pay for them (yeah it really wasn’t that much of a punishment) I ran off to the shops and bought 3 huge bottled of water and ran back because alcohol makes you dehydrated as hell. 

We grabbed sausage and egg mcmuffins and then realised we were horrible people so we laughed even harder at the poor people who had to scoop sick and clean up whatever’s left of tbones loveshack. Sorry guys, in all fairness those egg mcmuffins were dope. 

I said I’d try be more honest this year and here it is the good and the great. 

Published by Kevin Li