Dear T,

Amidst the awkwardness lingering around our conversations in Whatsapp, I plunged out my courage and decided to drop by his place. Be it a final meet-up, a rekindlement, or just to see him, I just knew I had to – I needed the closure.

My one week with T had been amazing. Words cannot describe, at least in my dictionary, the feeling of bliss, thrill, and excitement wrapping up together into a single piece of messy emotion I encountered whenever I am with him.

As much as I would like this relationship to be carried forward, I knew from his responses that he does not want the commitment – there was a sense of dread. I could tell. Also, being in the closet brought other fears with him and served as further deterrence. That particular moment when I asked if he wants to walk the future with me, his responded with “does it have to be a yes or no?”. That totally killed it.

I should have known earlier from the telltale signs – he was lazy, and it’s not your common level of laziness. He had hit another level of laziness compared to my ex 2 years ago. Besides that,his lack of ambitions or his inability to plan ahead exacerbated the problem. I knew I shouldn’t have raised the question up. After all, we were still in the early stages of dating.

I will never forget the first time we met, he dropped me off back home at my car park. We departed with a hug. Or the time spent at the side of the theatre, contemplating or not to hold your hands – which I did. Or the moments we had strolling down from Thomson Plaza down to Bishan Park, getting a drink at MacDonalds. I will never forget occasions I had trying to steal kisses from your secured lips, sitting by the Kallang river, facing away from the potential presence of others. Or trying to pull you to explore the deeper dungeons of the country club’s forest hidden in a veil of darkness.

Despite being 1 week, and against my principles, I decided to speed things a little and asked for a lifetime commitment – that was a huge mistake. Everything soon boiled down to nothingness. You did not even felt a single bit of emotions when I surprised you by your doorstep yesterday, to make amendments to salvage what we could have. At least I know I’ve tried, and I decided to give you up.

After the run, I told myself, and if there were no replies from you hours after you’ve seen my message, that would be it. I will throw you back into the labyrinth of my mind, never to think about you again.

It hurts me, a lot. But I rather get hurt now than to receive it back on a multiplier, when things have developed too deeply into a stage of no return.

Regardless, I have to thank you for all the lessons I have learnt from my one week spent together.

I have learned how to enjoy life’s simple pleasures like the nervousness of meeting someone, inundating by intimidating emotions and insecurities. These are times I might not experience again with someone else.

I also learned how to stand up for myself, for what I believe in. And to stop myself, to protect myself – as selfish as this can sound – and to only let the correct person into the deeper portion of me. Because an investment with no returns is not worth my time and effort, just like you.

Besides, you taught me how to really live in the moments – something I thought to have achieved way earlier before I met you. But I was wrong. I truly understand how happiness felt in the times we walked together, trying to pull you into exploring the deep wonders of the park when you just put more distance in between.

Lastly, you reminded me how much I am willing to put into potential relationships. I appreciate that.

Of course, plenty of lessons have been learned, felt, and taught. The list would go on and on. But before I end this, I want to thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you for liking me.

Thank you for taking the second chance, I hope there would be a third.

And thank you for the kisses and the intimacy.

Published by Lucius