“All Alone in the Woods”

 

In my mind, you were supposed to be there for me on this journey of life forever

 

But I feel like you left me alone in the woods because of our last argument

 

And recently, I became aware that you probably chose to fly away to make your life much better 

 

Did our daily arguments created by my mind make you feel like your efforts weren’t good enough no matter how hard you tried?

 

Did the fact that my mind made me perceive almost every word that was said to me as an attack drive you crazy and make you feel like maybe you should walk away?

 

This was probably an issue that you were faced with every day

 

And even if you don’t believe me, please just know that I tried to become who you wanted me to be

 

If I could have tried harder to change myself then I would have but because of my lack of strength and ability, I simply could not

 

There were very few days that I intensely contemplated killing myself because all I desperately wanted was for you to be happy

 

When you found out that this was really running through my head, I know that it freaked you out so much and made you want to sneak away from me and leave me abandoned in the dark

 

But you never did before and I’m sorry if I never expressed my gratitude for it enough through my actions

 

God knows that I was trying but if you only knew the illnesses, BKA, and the monsters that control my emotions how only they can and if only you believed that these actually were not excuses

 

I apologize sincerely that my actions caused you to feel like my mission in life was to make you the bad guy because I know that you weren’t

 

But my mind bullied me into seeing your words and actions as weapons aiming for me and caused me to become defensive

 

Because I was being forced to believe that I was the worst bad guy and it was going to break me down more to always blame it on myself

 

From my perspective, that was what you really wanted me to do or at least, take accountability for my actions and I understand but every time I tried to, I felt like I was taking accountability for being a monster

 

That killed me because I knew/hoped that wasn’t who I was

 

With you leaving and choosing to free yourself from my overwhelming yet inevitable toxicity, I’ve realized that sometimes you did trigger me

 

Ultimately though, I was fighting a battle with my mind and trying to make my group of impaired emotions turn into regular functioning ones but I couldn't

And the only way for me to get through to the other side of the ocean of intense emotions without drowning is/was by blaming everyone especially you because you were with the Monster named Jamesha almost every day

 

I’m sorry that I woke up and the monster was controlling my emotions and actions and I took my frustration from the helplessness that consumed me out on you but it wasn’t in my control

 

I’m sorry that my terrifying fear of being alone caused me to do almost anything especially lying to keep you near me and loving me because I knew how much you hated me lying because you saw it as manipulative or conniving

 

To a normal person, that’s how it’s seen but I was so desperate that the lying is like an involuntary action

 

I’m sorry that I purposefully pushed you away because I never in my heart wanted you to leave but that was my mind trying to see if you were gonna leave like everyone else

 

And I knew that it was easier for me to push everyone away than to let them walk out of my life on their own

 

I hope that you are much happier without the side effects of mental illness and the drama that it may cause in your life right beside you

 

I hope that you believe in yourself and know that you can be whatever you want to be in life with just you because you are just that awesome

 

I hope that you forgive me for ruining 11 years of your life but just always know and remember that you made a difference in mine

 

I hope that I brought something positive into your life

 

I hope that when you learn more about mental illness, you’ll think of me one day and say “I hope she’s doing well and that she’s not alone and that she has friends and supporters who understand her better and do better than I could have ever done. Even though I left her, I still love her so much and I’m rooting for her from afar”