I don’t know even know why I feel sick, why my breath is caught in my throat or why I feel, for want of a better word, “Crazy”.

I just do!

Insecurity, paranoia, jealousy feed on me. They get stronger, louder and more convincing. They tell me am no good. That you will cheat. That that female friend is not just a friend. That you will leave me. Of course you will – what have I possibly got that would make you stay? Nothing!

I realized that not feeling worthy of love is what creates these ugly anxieties. I am in a constant feel that you’ll leave. That you won’t fight for me like I fought for you.That I won’t be good enough. That I’m not smart enough. Pretty enough!

I worry that some incredible woman will come along and be all of the things I am not and you will be gone. And I would have been right this entire time. 

It’s dumb and it’s exhausting.

It turns me into this horrible version of myself. Where I say insane things and act in insane ways and sometimes, on my worst days, I almost want you to prove me right.I want you to cheat because at least then, I can stop the worry, the anxiety and the controlling. It’ll be over. It’ll be done.

Being inside my head when it is tangled messed of crazy thoughts, with no route which can be severed, I pray for an ‘off’ switch. 

I might not be the kind of girl you want. And I know I am difficult to love. I know I am tiring, challenging and stubborn. I know I am not always my best self and sometimes I expect too much. 

But please realize me from this trap or love me anyway! Love me for the declaration of my feeling and my fearlessness in chasing what we have. Love me for trying, love me for challenging my thoughts and for wanting to be better.

Because If I ever decide to give up on you, understand how much that took out of me. Understand it took everything I had left inside of me to leave you alone. 

#LiveandLearn

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Published by Doreen Eshinali