Dear,

Hi.

In as much as I want to say I’d like to spend just a second to catch a glimpse of you, in as much as I want to message you, ask you if you’re fine- I already did. in my mind, but in reality- a silence. I just cannot. why would I dare do so? I know that you are doing great, probably more than that. I don’t even have to ask. whenever time permits, I get to see you happily and proudly babble about her to the extent that I ignore the very message; how amazing it is to be with her, how desperately you would do anything for her love; may it be surprising her with a bouquet of flowers, writing her an improvised chocolate-love-letter or just treating her a princess. but to the whole picture, it is you that I see- with me, and not with her. I don’t intend this letter to sound as if I’m completely blinded by you, then turn you off and walk away. Please go on, read this til the end.

You are not the ideal tall-white-handsome guy. some may say, You are the otherwise, the reverse of what women dream of. I’d be surprised to say this, but, I am not one of those women who prefer the ideal beauty. I’d rather choose you, to be with you and be loved by you- the stout-tanned skin and so-so kind of guy, who is not only intellectually capable but also has a huge heart for the people he cares about.

I must admit, I find it hard to wear my heart on my sleeve again. not with you, who I barely know. and just when I thought you’re eyes light up when you meet my blazing eyes coincidentally, just when I thought we’re under the conspiracy of our destinies, when I almost thought you’re also into me, just as I am into you, I let my guard down, and fall.

 

I feel. then I fall- first. 

 

I fall again for someone who isn’t fast enough to catch me, and has no intention of doing so. I didn’t bother to ask why. Then I see you- walking with her. I see how your poker face rapidly turns into a radiating one. the girl is on your left side- she  is pretty, fair-skinned and chubby. I feel the need to know why you’re so into her, what can I possibly do to make you change your heart and mind; grab you and be by my side. I am right about my instinct. I am way different from her- I am way better. so I ask myself, why do still want to be with her? why do you want her love when I can give you mine the way you want it to be?

But I choose to be in silence. leave everything inside my head. I still keep on asking the same questions, why her?

She has a baby. and you are not the biological father. so, why her? why do you still want to be with her? I want to yell at you so loud that those words would reach your ears and brain- all through your capacious and generous heart. still, I am silent.

Realization occur to me. I don’t love you. I don’t have the conditioned mind and heart as you do have- only callous. I don’t have the courage to take a step and be someone else for someone – I choose silence. I don’t have the unconditional and realistic love you have for her and the baby – only idealistic.

for a period of time, we only speak a very few words twice, thrice or probably not more than that- but if there are things that I learn, even if you don’t explain to me or the people surrounding you, it is there’s no such thing as ‘what will they think of me? what will they say if the girl I love already has a baby?’ and for being the remarkable, incredible and amazing step-father I know – if you feel sad and helpless, stop whatever you’re doing -just read this and I am telling you,

I admire you. and you deserve that.

 

admiring you,

Alluring Allysum

 

Published by Alluring Alyssum