Alright, yesterday's plan was a failure. I was supposed to switch my phones off by 9pm to avoid her calls, I even set one of my phones to turn off by 9pm, on another I set my alarm to 9pm (because I couldn't find the "turn off" settings), but the third phone I simply switched off by 6pm. Sighs!
Now i'm prepared for the long night, a night I knew I would probabl...y be awake all through wondering; how would she feel when she calls by past 9pm and my phones are off? Would she be worried or just shrug it off? Would I get a "sweet" text by morning saying she tried calling, she's worried, hope I was fine? Or would she just ignore and get on with her day without trying to reach me? Would she even call at all tonight? Mehn... It's surely going to be a very LONG...sleepless...night.

Now you might be saying "why not leave your phones on and wait for her call, or better still, why don't you just call her instead?" Hmmmm...I could you know, but it is complicated. She gets home at night (we don't live together) between 8pm and 10pm, and she calls me between 9pm/10pm everyday, and our fights are about her saying she's being pressured at work and i'm putting even more pressure on her in our relationship. So, i'm not sure she's even okay with talking to me when she comes from work every night, i'm not entirely sure it's not part of the "pressure" i'm "putting on her," instead I wait for her to call me each night (over the years we've never missed a day/night call), but lately I sit there staring at my phones waiting for them to ring, meanwhile, she's online on WhatsApp till almost 12am (saying she's working), sometimes past 12am, I think if she wanted to talk to me she would have called, or just send a message via WhatsApp to say goodnight or something, and I cannot send her a message or call her because i'm thinking "she doesn't want to talk to you, if not she would have reached you, calling her would be putting pressure on her." I end up tossing and turning all through the night when the call doesn't come in, yet another sleepless night.
Yeah I know me switching off my phones will also give me sleepless nights, with different thoughts playing in my head, but at least this time it will be on my own terms, and i'm hoping with time the pains, the thoughts, the sleeplessness, will go away, and I will not be thinking "will she call today or not?" every day and night.

Now back to yesterday's plan: I was set for my '9pm phones switch off,' I was already worried about the night and how it would go for me, so at about 8pm I decided to see a movie (GODS OF EGYPT) I had already seen, just to take my mind off things. That was probably not the right movie to pick, because it was all about the Love I was trying not to think about. Well, I kept watching though, a couple of minutes into the movie I heard a ringtone which made me jolt (i'm sure that feeling could have given anybody with heart problems a cardiac arrest that instant), the sound was from my phone and it wasn't the alarm, my eyes dashed straight to the time, it was 8:38pm so I relaxed a little because it obviously was someone else calling, she wouldn't be calling this early (it's been ages i've had such privilege). Boy was I wrong, when I picked up the phone it was her! WHAT! This can't be natural, there's just something sinister about this. I didn't know if I should be happy or sad, I just calmed myself and...

Me: hello
Her: hello baby, how are you and how was your day?
Me: i'm fine dear, how was yours?
Her: stressful, my head ached, probably 'cause I was up real late last night, but i'm okay
Me: are you home?
Her: yes hon
Me: you should try sleeping early today
Her: I will, just have to fix something to eat, before going to bed. What have you eaten?
Me: I just ate rice
Her: that's good hon. How are you feeling?
Me: *pause* ...i'm fine
Her: you hesitated honey, tell me, talk to me, does your body still ache?
Me: yeah but I'll be fine
Her: you still haven't been able to get meds for it?
*If only I can tell her it was my heart that's aching and causing my body to ache, from lack of good/regular night sleep, loss of appetite, lack of exercises, etc. But i'm sure that will fall in the category of "putting pressure on her," so...*
Me: don't worry i'll be fine, you just take care of yourself, fix your meal and try to sleep early
Her: okay honey I will, take care of yourself too
Me: sweet dreams dear
Her: good night honey.

Sigh! So much for switching off my phones by 9pm. Although I felt a bit relaxed after the call, but i've been here countless number of times before, tomorrow I'll be expecting this same attitude/attention but will be disappointed. Maybe the fault is mine for being too demanding (for attention), I know I must be at fault somewhere and somehow, but I still need to find a way for me not to hurt this bad, and yet also give her breathing space so she won't feel "pressure" from me anymore.
My plan to switch off my phones by 9pm nightly is; to build myself, to stop me from expecting her calls all night every night (maybe I'll sleep better that way), that way it will be on my own terms, but if she happens to call earlier, like last night, cool.
Maybe i'm being stupid, paranoid, or just BEING IN LOVE, what I know for sure is that I need to check this before it drives me insane. This is me trying to save myself and my relationship with a plan that's probably dumb, didn't they say LOVE MAKES YOU A FOOL? I know even with my plans I still will have sleepless nights for a while, but i'm sure IT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME... fingers crossed. #AllIsFairInLove

Published by Al Phacarl