Alone & In Love

 
 
I am not sure how to come into this blog. It is something that I never thought I would discuss within a blog for it is apart of my life, personal life.
 
Five years ago I met a young man online and he was so persistent on talking to me and I didn't know him at all never seen him before he wasn't even from my part of town.
 
But coming home from a doctor's appointment one day (5years ago) I got on to my laptop and seen that I had a message from him via Facebook. As I stated this guy was truly persistent in getting my attention. So finally I messaged him back. Long story short meeting this man changed my life it brought into my life so much drama from women, to drugs, to cheating, and so much disrespect but the funny thing is at the end of the day and all of the drama I still love him. Its been five years that I have known this man and its been broken up since 2012, after countless of times of us trying to make it work it just wasn't working. He still was with the Facebook conversations. He would tell me that the conversations of other women is interesting to him and I guess they were interesting enough to lose me for that is what happen.
 
 Its been a while and I have dated other men but at the end of the day he is still the man I love. He is still the man that I want to spend my life with but I don't think that he is ready for what I want.
 
I am writing this blog to inform women that sometimes in life you have to truly trust in God and let go of something or someone you love due to health and life. You can't make someone love you and you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Never allow yourself to settle or suffer in life due to one person. If someone loves you then they will move mountains to show you, tell you, or get to you. If you find yourself doing all of the work and feeling as if things that has happened is your fault when you know in your heart and mind that you did nothing wrong then its more than likely true. I found myself wondering if the demise of my relationship was my fault and as time went by I begin to realize that it wasn't. I started dating someone else and I found myself comparing the two to each other and I learned a lot about them and more about myself during that situation.
 
First of all I realized that the guy I was dating I truly did not love him as he may have thought he loved me so it started to annoy me being with him I just wasn't feeling him as a person so in then end when my health started to become compromised I ended things and well he went on with his life and I pray that he is happy. Secondly it made me realize a lot of things about my past relationship with my ex, things I could have done that I didn't do. Its funny how being in a new relationship could teach you things you or show you things that you didn't realize from past relationships. Things you could have done differently.
 
I sometimes wonder if what I feel for my ex is really love or a fear of being alone. I have been through so much with this person and yet I still feel a need to have him in my life but this time around I am not rushing due to the fact that I know what he is all about. I have been down that road already and I can say this much its not a road I am in a rush to travel again. I have changed my life in so many was I am not the woman that I once was when I dated him several years ago.
 
Sometimes I find myself wanting to reach out to him to say hi or good morning or just to see what he is doing but since I have told him what I want in life and what I expect in life he's not happy about it and well he doesn't talk to me so hey what can a sista do but move on with her life. I am not going to run after anyone who isn't willing to do the same for me. And since knowing him he has always been that man to always have his hand out he has never been one to call me "just because"  to see if I need something or just to send me something due to my situation financially.
 
Becoming more closer to God and going through the medically strain I went through and am going through has made me see things so differently. I love this man, God knows that I do but I can not take the chance of settling for anything less than what I know I deserve. I can not take the chance at having my mental compromised because he wants to live life as a bachelor while in a relationship at the same time.
 
So at the end of the day I wrote this to say this...
 
Even though sometimes we find ourselves in a compromising situation and loving someone that we don't feel loves us the same we as women (and some men) have to put our big panties on and move on with life. If it is meant for me and this person to be together than we will be if its not it won't.
 
Life has its way of showing you things that you need to see regardless to rather you want to see them or not God will move things within your life so that you get the point. He did it for me and life for me is so different now. I feel more alive than I have ever felt. It would be wonderful to have someone to share this feeling with but you can't make someone love you or grow up that is something that they have to do on their own...
 
Live your life and if it is meant for the one you love if there is a one to be in your world they will come to you... God will see to it..
 
~SBF
 

Published by Life of a Unique Woman