Alright so dating isn’t easy and everyone is in a perpetual state of fear regarding rejection and the coming apocalypse (I’m looking at you May). But why oh, why must everyone insist that showing you fancy someone is somehow uncool or unsexy.  In reality your insistent ambiguity and mystique is just really bloody annoying.

How am I meant to know what you want? Do you want to snog me or are have I got something in my hair? Are you making eyes at me or do you just have a twitch? If you fancy me and you are trying to throw me some flavour than please at least make it potent enough for me to pick up. If you don’t then you really don’t have a leg to stand on when I get off with your mate. I got his flavour. That shit was pungent.

People with the most play are the people who say it out loud. They make their moves and unapologetically put their intentions on the table. How is that not completely sexy? Obviously, I will want to shag you more if it is clear that you really want to shag me. It is stunningly attractive for a man to tell me that they have been thinking about me and they couldn’t wait to see me again just for the chance at a snog. That’s the stuff of dreams.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not condoning creeper behaviour. No I don’t want you to come up to me in a bar and whisper something disturbingly explicit while I am sipping a G&T. Some may argue this is a confusing and possibly blurry line. But no, it bloody isn’t. The line is massive – you could see it from space. There is something deeply wrong with you if you cannot distinguish between grotesque harassment and deliberate clear flirting.

So, stop throwing me glances and come sit next to me. Ask me about my life and tell me what you’re thinking. Mystery might work in the movies but in the real world everyone would just rather know what the fuck is going on.

Moral: In a world of cucumber water, be a jalapeno. 

Ellie Clayton


Published by Eleanor Clayton