A couple years ago, I had began keeping a journal. I kept it close by for whenever I had feelings buried inside that were clawing their way out. For those moments when words fought to get onto paper faster than I could get my pen to write. Rather than communicate my thoughts that appeared terrifying to share with anyone other than my overactive imagination, I would scribble the ramblings onto the lines etched out across the pages housed in my little secret book. Not that it was all that secret really. Unlike the journals from my childhood that required secret words or miniature keys to unlock, this one did not need battery operation to work. No one knows that this little book holds some of the innermost workings of my mind. Not even those closest to me which makes it somewhat of a secret I suppose. Sharing personal thoughts, aspirations or even an opinion on that trashy television show that is on in front of you right now is scary. Maybe scary isn't the right word. 

I guess I have a fear of growing close to others around me. I'd rather keep the emotional turmoil under wraps. No one gets hurt that way, including myself. I am getting better about sharing who I am and the childish dreams of what I want to be when I grow up that make me almost feel naive to admit. Not that wanting to grow up to be a writer or a personal trainer as I have longed to do is childish. In all honesty, I am absolutely terrified of making these things I want most in the world become my reality. I'm not only chilled to the bones with the possibility of sharing what I truly desire with others, I am afraid to admit what I long for to myself. I procrastinate on things such as taking my certification exam or sitting my butt at my desk for an hour for fear of sharing what I long to rather than allowing it flow freely from my hands onto the many keys lingering in front of me. It comes without trying, yet I put off doing it. Perhaps it is that I have done more things lately that put me out of my comfort zone than I am used to.

I saw some familiar faces recently. Some were family and some were the best friends I've ever had in my life. One of which is expecting a baby! Oh goodness what a joy it was to see her smiling face and that little gift of life growing inside her begin to protrude in her lower abdomen. We found it comedic that we made our way to the concession stand for a pretzel, popcorn, snickers and later watched as my newly married bestie made her the best burrito you can throw together with the contents of your kitchen in a matter of 2 minutes because Taco Bell was closed. But I also ran into someone from my past that brought back memories and made me wonder what if? I noticed myself slowly burrowing away back into my shell as I used to. It is comfortable here. I didn't like what I was doing. I've been doing it to myself for a couple weeks now. For what? I seem to forget why it is that I moved in the first place. It was absolutely terrifying to me. Isn't that what makes life the best? Doing the things that you are scared to do with the hope that everything you could ever dream becomes true? 

I get so sidetracked sometimes. What I am getting at is I wanted to get back to what gives me the unnerving feeling in the pit of my stomach in the best possible way. Being vulnerable is the most terrifying of all in my opinion. And with that, I give you an entry I wrote in my journal from 2014. Being that I just had my 25th birthday, I found the introduction to this entry in particular rather fitting for how I was feeling. It blows my mind how much has changed since then. Think about where you were a couple years ago. Are you happy where you are now? And if the answer just so happens to be no, why is that? What would fill you to the brim with joy should you be doing it this very moment? Do it. Do something you love. Even if it scares you. 

[8.13.14]

Hello there stranger. Life is funny sometimes. I wish I had more time. I'm 23 now. Things were different when I was younger. I thought I would be getting married. By 23, it was marriage. I wanted to travel with my husband for a couple years before starting a family. 25 was the age for me to make the transition into motherhood. I did not want to be a so-called "older" mom. Heck, I wanted to be a MILF. What mom wouldn't want that? God I'm weird. But I had a plan. That's a scary ass plan to have. When did I ever think that was a good idea?

I guess that's what people did, they married young. Today, it's different. People wait. They want to be settled. Finish school, start careers, that sorta thing. Not by any means am I saying that I did or want to get married right now. I cannot even put myself in the position to think of that happening for me anytime soon. Then again, it is not as if I didn't think about it. With him I felt at ease. I felt like myself, more than I ever had. I pushed him away for so long. So f****** long. He still wanted me. I couldn't believe it. My life took a crazy turn. Back in March, I made one of the craziest decisions I've ever made in my life. After three years of friendship, a relationship began to bloom. Life was easy. Falling in love was easy. Sleeping, breathing, simply being in a world constantly surrounded by chaos became easy. Then, with no holding back, I visited my best friend. This doesn't sound like a big deal. That's the thing. I can't put our story into words. Then again, it's not just a story. It's our story and it's amazing. No one understands (that will make sense later). 

I opened my heart up to someone that is one of the best human beings to ever exist. I don't think that is a very long list of people but he made it in my book. This is a big complement although now that I'm writing it I feel it does not do him justice. Nothing will. I got on a plane not knowing what the future would hold. Held my breath the entire three hours waiting to see the man that has meant so much to me over time. We were seeing each other for the first time as potential...what do I even say? That we had the possibility of being lovers in that back of our minds? Soulmates? I don't know. All I know is I was visiting my best friend and all of me was about to be exposed on another level that we believed we were ready for. No physical contact between our bodies had been made other than the occasional friendly hug.

There he was. The biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen. I though I was nervous. Seeing his reaction and how nervous he was, I still can't believe that I could have that affect on someone. We both were shy and scared. But there we were in the airport suddenly walking and holding hands like we had been doing it all this time. There we were in a deserted airport at 1 AM headed to baggage claim on the never-ending escalator. And then it happened, just like that. He kissed me. Might I add he looked pretty damn proud of himself after. We crossed that line of friendship that had long ago been created. It would never be the same. 

I don't want to get too much into detail and maybe it is crazy as well. Let's just say, minus some of the more explicit details, we made sweet love. I don't know how else to say it. He would laugh at that explanation of it. I don't blame him. Who says that these days anyway? All of the times we had before, all the conversations and face timing sessions we had leading up to this. This amazing time we shared in this strange and foreign city. From then on, everything felt good. He kissed me constantly. No complaints here! This connection between two individuals felt like magic. It's cheesy but I'm not making this up. F****** magic, deal with it. It was us against the world. In a place where we were together. Where we were happy. No one understands and no one will. "No one understands," became our motto. It was something only we shared. From then on, I was taken for a ride on the most emotional of roller coasters. 

I cried, oh did I cry. Between visits, those days came when it sucked so bad it hurt physically as well as emotionally. It was hard. Long distance sucks but he believed in us, and so did I. How can things change so quickly? Yes, I admit I was an emotional wreck at times. Yes, I missed being with him in bed at night. It was all worth it. It felt excruciatingly good to have someone to miss. Someone to be emotionally naked with like I had never known. Someone to say 'you're beautiful' or 'I love you' and genuinely believing it. It was real. I feel like I can't be upset with him for not wanting to do it anymore. I get it, it sucked. But didn't that why we do it? Because it's worth it? I loved him. He want to be in my life and I in his but how can that happen when I feel like he gave up? I seems cowardly for him to do that. If you love someone and they love you enough to wait don't you do it? F***. 

Taking it back to where I started. No I don't want to get married or have kids anytime soon. Thinking of the possibly having that future down the road, that's what sucks the most when you lose it. I could see it, see everything with him. I thought I'd be at one place in life by 23 and here I am with my first official broken heart. I don't know how people do it. I feel like I don't have a right to be upset. In reality, it was "official" for four months. That's all it took. 

And now I'm at peace. Funny how the same person can put your mind at ease. The same person that made me lose my mind and write like a mad woman before my phone rang. As of right now, I'm ok. I can do this. I can be his friend as I've always been. This will be good, right? Do I sound lame right now? As much as it hurts to not hear 'I love you' or 'I miss you,' it was ok. I think part of it is that unexplainable feeling of longing you get when you hear it from someone you love. I may feel differently in two weeks. Ask me then.

Published by Nichole L