I love you. And I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry if I made you feel like this was your fault.  Or if I gave you the impression I didn't appreciate every thing, big or small, you did for me. 

I'm sorry that after 3 years I couldn't love you in your simplicity the way someone as kind, generous, and strong as you are deserves to be loved. In truth you were (and are) the best man I have ever known.  I think that's what made walking away so damn hard. 

I'm sorry for the times you tried your hardest to bring happiness into my life and I just couldn't see it.  I couldn't see it because it'd didn't look like what I was used to. Or like anything I had ever known. 

We used to laugh at how different we were and how somehow despite it all we managed to love each other daily.  In the end it was those same differences that set us on separate paths.  It was those differences I couldn't seem to get past. 

You were so much better at taking your emotions out of the equation.  Allowing for my light to shine brightly while yours smoldered in the background.  My vitality was of utmost importance to you for 1,130 days.  But in stoking my fire, you let yours go out.  I couldn't find my way back to you without your warmth to guide me. 

I'm sorry I couldn't love you with the broken pieces inside of me that I tried so desperately to hold together.  The broken pieces I thought your love could stitch into a magnificent quilt.  Sadly for us, towards the end of our relationship I realized that the only way I could be whole again was if I mended the torn fabric of my soul myself.  

There wasn't anything more you could have done.  I loved you as fiercely as I could, for as long as I could.

I appreciate the way you held me when I couldn't sleep.  The way you let me wake you up in the middle of the night just because my mind wouldn't quiet down. I appreciate the way you pinched my cheeks when I laughed because they jiggled.  I appreciate the way you showered me with kisses anytime I had a bad day, which lets face it was often working in retail.

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough.  You were more than enough. It just wasn't what I need at this time in my life. Where you were stability and roots.  I need adventure and wings. 

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to say this to your face, but the truth is if I tried to tell you face to face I would lose all resolve and crumble into your arms again. Safe and loved. But that's not what either of us deserves or needs.  

I hope you know leaving you was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make.  I hope you find solace in knowing yours wasn't the only heart broken.  Even though the decision was my own making I broke my own heart that day too. 

The thought of you brings both smiles and tears almost daily.  I know with time we will both move on to what we are meant to, but you will always have a small piece of my heart.  You taught me what real unconditional love felt like.  And I will always be grateful for the time when we belonged to each other.  

I'm sorry. And I love you. 

Published by Nancy Jane