Tomorrow, Tuesday January 17th is the big day.  The forecast is perfect for this time of year. I should be able to attend in just my light jacket that holds my sapphire pin that signifies the completion of radiation treatment on August 28, 2015. I find it difficult to believe that it was over a year ago that I finished radiation and nine months since the end of my final chemotherapy infusion. 

While I have continued to go back to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota every three to four months; tomorrow feels different. Tomorrow feels like two years ago. 

In the last two months I have developed peripheral edema, my joint pain has increased, my overall body aches have increased, and my exhaustion level has more than doubled. 

Best case scenario tomorrow is that the doctors tell me it is all in my head and everything is fine. After a physical exam they tell me there is no need for any further investigation and that I need to just go home, take a chill pill...or something similar...and get on with living instead of worrying about dying. 

The problem is, I cannot seem to get past this step. I am standing on the curb and I just cannot take that step off of it. First of all, even just that small step down hurts so much that the pain of taking that step is only slightly less painful than the thought of standing here for another 20 minutes (or 30 years) and having every inch of my body go stiff.

Worst case scenario for tomorrow is that I have stage IV cancer and that I have mere weeks or moths to live. 

Well, I am guessing to hear news somewhere in the middle of those two. I believe the cancer is back based on my symptoms and some blood tests that ruled out a few things that could cause symptoms I am having. 

Stage IV breast cancer has an average life expectancy of 26 months. 

Of course, some people live twenty years. Some are also dead by the end of the week. 

As I face a long drive and the tests that will come, pray that my team does not sugar coat any of this and that I will get through this just as I did the last time. 

Thanks