Anxiety and depression doesn't care who you are, what you do, or what you want to do.  It will take over who you are, what you do and change what you think you want to do.  It will prevent you from doing so many things you want to do and need to do.  Sometimes you will feel like you are going mad.

I was different before anxiety and depression tried to take over.  I was more outgoing.  More willing to explore different places, people, and things.  I travelled.  A LOT.  I had goals.  My mental health changed that.  I am now not very outgoing.  Part of we wishes to be but the other part would prefer to hide in my safe zone.  I long to travel again but from anxiety to finances there are so many reasons why I can't [right now].  I still have goals but they are more challenging to reach now that I have to battle myself to achieve them.  

I refuse to let my mental health take over my life [again] and am currently in treatment receiving EMDR Therapy for PTSD.  Sometimes it's a rough ride and I find myself dreading therapy appointments but I know I have to go.  I owe it to my future self to finish this therapy.  

I have lived most of my life feeling like I am the problem.  That I am lacking in personality, education, appearance, attitude, etc. This led me to become an overachiever and people pleaser which is dreadful and exhausting.  I am learning that I am not the problem.  I am the product of a very negative, traumatizing, and narcissistic environment.  And I don't have to live there anymore.  I don't want to live there anymore.

Realizing that the problem was not and is not me or my fault both angers and relieves me.  I am angered that my emotions, behaviour and feelings were cast aside.  I was made to feel as though I didn't matter and that my memories were not significant.  Because of this I learned to hide my emotions, allowing them to spill out when I was by myself.  It also allowed me to feel as though I am worthless, undeserving of happiness, and alone.  I am now learning, at 32, that I am worth something, I do deserve to be happy and I am not alone.  I have been allowed to spend entirely too many years in the dark and that will never be forgiven.

I was not given the tools or protection to shield my younger self from harm.  That harm was allowed to embed itself and fester.  It festered to the point of boiling over.  Once boiled over I was stuck.  Stuck in the land of PTSD.  This greatly affected the things I did and decisions I made.  I can now clearly see how I became so unhinged and why I was not able to cope and move on.  I can also see why I needed therapy to help me and why I was unable to see so many things before.  

This not to say that everybody needs therapy.  Not everybody does.  But I did, and do.  It won't be forever and quite frankly I can't wait until it is over.  At the same time I could not imagine where I would be without it.  I was losing myself to the anxiety and negativity.  

Now, as I try to find my way back to myself I am inspired to share my journey and my story.  If nothing else but to help someone, anyone who feels lost in their mental illness.  It is easy to get lost but you are not alone.  Don't give up. I know I'm not going to.  



Published by iDREAM inViNTAGE