Another moment of transparency. I (Michelle) don't really like doing this. My husband, on the other hand, has no issue with expressing how he is, what he is feeling, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Me, though, I don't like to. 

I'd much rather hide behind a smile. A strong spoken word. An encouraging Bible verse or two..... and when out and about, I need to look like I have it all together.

I don't want people to see my weaknesses, let alone know what they are. 

I know why. 

It's pride. I'm too prideful to really talk about my struggles. My setbacks. My hiccups. 

I also know why that is as well.

I can blame it on a list of things that branch from childhood. The lack of a strong foundation. Lack of a father-figure. Too much of seeing a strong-willed, independent woman, who didn't want people to see her as a failure. So she (my Mom) had to be everything and play every role - without fault.

Whatever. But, at this moment, I have to take responsibility. I have to come to terms with my facade. I have to talk about it. Because you see, people have always told me.... "you're such a strong person.... you are so sure in your faith..... you got it going on..... you look so happy...." and on and on.

But what you don't see are the moments like I had yesterday. I cried every 10-15 minutes. I cried holding my baby. Tears came while I was reading Yahweh's Word. More tears flowed as I prayed and cried out to Him. And I cried for no reason. I couldn't play with my kids without fighting back tears. I really just wanted to go back to bed.

Had something built up in me that had gone unrecognized and not dealt with?

Possibly. Well, obviously.

Talking to my friend, C, she began speaking life into me. Reminding me that it's okay. Telling me that I was safe. Safe in the arm's of Abba. In Him I could begin to deal with it. Whatever it was. Depression, perhaps. She challenged me to get in the Word and declare it over myself. At one point in our conversation, I actually tried to change the subject. I didn't want it to be all about me, but she wouldn't let me. She diverted it right back to me getting through this. She wanted me to see that there is healing. Gosh, I'm so grateful for her. 

I didn't have to keep my facade going. I could let her know what's up and know that she is for me. . . not treating me any different because of my humanness. 

My other bestie, A, always embraces me - not matter what. When telling her about my day, she reminded me of what she calls it - the funk. Yep. It's a funk alright. And I know she knows it very well. I was encouraged by her kind words and prayers too.

So, why am I sharing this?

facade.jpgBecause it's real. My facade is real. I have become so accustomed to putting it on, til I don't quite know how to function when times like yesterday happen. The real me comes out.

My husband knows. He occasionally tries to help me deal with it. Last night, we stayed up pretty late - dealing with it. Conversation after conversation of talking about things that had to be discussed. Painful past memories. Situations swept under the rug were uncovered. Circumstances were coming clean. 

Yeah. About coming clean.

I reckon there is a sense of liberty in it. Disclosing every. single. thing. you can remember about your past to your spouse. Leaving no stone unturned. Leaving no room for the enemy to work. 

Exhausting. Excruciating at times. Unbelievable at others. But still, somehow, liberating.

Going through this is helping me get rid of this facade, and be okay in my own skin. I don't have to pretend. I don't have to accommodate. And I sure don't have to conform to my surroundings.

Busting down this facade are heavenly divine reminders of -

Yahweh knows me... His joy is my strength.... Nothing is impossible with Abba... He is transforming me... He is creating a new heart in me.... He is my burden bearer.... His Word washes me... and many more.

If you're living behind a facade, I invite you to join me in the journey of realizing it and getting rid of it. I have never wanted something to go so bad than this facade I've been living. It's painful. It opens doors to other gateways. Hopefully you understand.

No longer being tossed by the waves of this facade - it has no choice but to leave. I cannot continue caring about what it looks like to others. I just want to be a light for Yeshua. A city on the hill. Legit. Hot for Yahweh. I want people to look at my beautiful mess and instantly see the shalom (peace) of Yahweh. . . and want it for themselves. 

The pride that this facade carries is life-threatening. I believe that's what drives a depressed person to suicide. That ultimate feeling of I don't really matter anymore. I'm hurting so deep inside that it's not fixable. If I could just. . . die, then I won't have to deal. That's a gateway that has no turning back. But it branches from a facade of I'm okay (not). I'm happy (not). I'm healthy (not). I've got it all together (not). 

It's when we begin to actually deal with it that we can grasp onto the healing that lies just on the other side. 

Yeah, yeah. People will read this and think - I had no idea [she] was going through this, or feeling like that. Of course you didn't. I didn't want you to know. Instead of posting how I really feel on Facebook, I post something encouraging for others. Or some life-point to boost others. Or divert attention to the realities of what's happening in the world and its evils.  

But now you know. I'm weak. I'm tired. I'm fighting. 

And through this transparency - I'm now declaring that I'm getting strength (in Yahweh), I'm getting re-energized (by the Word), and I'm more than a conqueror. 

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