Emoji’s apparently are used when words can’t convey a proper emotion. Well I don’t know how else to put it, but The Emoji Movie is 💩.

    I was expecting a stupid movie for children with ADD, but Sony Pictures Animation gifted (or cursed) me something far worse. What I endured over an-entirely-too-long-86-minute runtime was a horrifyingly unfunny mash of The Lego Movie, Toy Story and Inside Out, with atrocious product placement dumped throughout. It’s like the Wal-Mart brand of a specific cereal that you like, one that you're forced to buy after an obnoxious employee literally throws it at your face. I wanted to die.

    Let’s go into the story, if you can call it that. Greg is what they call a “meh” emoji. In other words, he’s 😐  (if I got that wrong, sue me). All the emojis come to a giant building where they sit in their cubes to be selected by their “user” Alex. When Greg’s number is called, he messes up and goes on the run to avoid being terminated.

    Along the way, Greg meets Hi-5 (👋) and Jailbreak (👸), and the two venture throughout Alex’s phone to get to the Cloud, which will solve all their problems.

    Their journey is like watching a restless teenager scroll through his phone. It’s jarring and hopelessly stupid. There’s also many attempts at punny jokes (the poo says he’s soft, or almost says the “s” word); bless this cast for trying, but they couldn’t save writing this unfunny.

    The most disturbing part of The Emoji Movie isn’t the bad attempts at humor, or even it’s subject matter; it’s the gratuitous product placement. It has me thinking whether this movie was funded by Sony, or if Silicon Valley offered to pay for this whole venture. In the film’s entirety, we see characters extol how great YouTube, Spotify, Instagram, Just Dance, and DropBox are. In one scene, Greg is literally dropped into a game of Candy Crush, which the other’s must play to free him. Look, I’m sure King (the developer of said game) appreciated the free advertising dollars, but I didn’t like having my eyes polluted by the visualization of one company giving another a free trip around the banana from down under.

    This really is a special kind of awful. You see, a movie that’s terrible, like Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 or Fifty Shades of Grey, can be enjoyed in a way that we all like to stop and look at a car wreck. You ascertain what went wrong, and how the extraordinary disaster is unlike anything you’ve ever scene. Psychopaths might even get a thrill out of watching such disasters.

    But The Emoji Movie commits the ultimate sin of films on Jagger’s Would-Be Movie Rules List. It’s boring. It attempts to rise out of the depressing ghetto with pop culture references that make you face-palm (😖), only to fall back down to it’s depressing existence when it realizes that, in fact, it’s not funny. The would-be humor (Hi-5 trying to become a fist, but it hurts, robots being entranced by a cute cat video) doesn’t land with a thud; it walks in, 💩s all over your house, then tries to sell you an app for 99 cents. This movie has left me shaking with rage.

    After a certain point, you’re not even disgusted by watching two Emoji’s dance to “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”. You just sigh in sadness. I don’t think the point of a guy that’s supposed to be “meh” is to make everyone in the audience feel the same way.

    Scratch that, toward the end of the movie, one person, and lord do I mean one, actually clapped. I don’t know what sparked this bout with insanity, but I pray that he gets help for his inability to spot bad films.

    In fact, I think I’ve been less depressed watching the Trump administration. Or a Cleveland Browns game. Or after breaking up with a girlfriend. 

    If 2017 winds up edging out 2016 for the title of Worst Year of the 21st Century So Far, then you can thank The Emoji Movie. It’s not just a bad picture, it’s the symbol of a civilization’s decline. It’s what happens when brand awareness and the banality of children’s films meets LOLJK❤️. 

    Don’t lie to yourself that seeing this is an endorsement of non-franchise movies either. This is an original movie in the same way that “Bittersweet Symphony” was an original song. It takes previous movies, regurgitates them and is then bought and sold to you to ensure you keep pressing those little faces on your phone. Movies like this don’t just make me hate the companies that make them, they make me disappointed in the people that actually would pay to see this.

    👎

Disclaimer: I will or will not confirm that I actually paid to see this movie before watching it in the theater. I cannot justify anyone else putting down their hard-earned money for this. If you want a similar experience, deposit a large amount of money from your bank account, flush it down your toilet, and watch as it causes a flood that destroys your house. Godspeed. 

    

Published by Jagger Czajka