As made evident by the title of this blog I got dumped back in November 14. Being the person in the relationship that is being let go of is always hard and for me it made me question my self worth over and over again.

Why am I not good enough?

Why don't you love me anymore?

Is there someone else?

Asking yourself these questions over and over again is enough to make a person go crazy. And that is exactly what happened. I have no shame in sharing the I did become that crazy borderline psychotic ex girlfriend. I would leave a tearful voicemail, or two... Or seventeen on his phone. I would lurk on Facebook and send the poor guy abuse because he was moving on. I even found an old picture of the two of us and began violently stabbing at the picture of his face with a knife until all I was left holding was a shredded mess.

I spent a good three days after the breakup in bed. When anyone would enter the room to see if I was okay I would pretend to be asleep. One time I heard my brother walk in to my bedroom to bring me some dinner. He left the room as silently as he had entered after he had placed my cheese pizza on the floor next to my bed. I heard him whispering to my sister, "Leave her be, she's hurting". That is when something in me said NO!

I got out of bed.

I joined a gym.

I cut all my hair off and went from a jet black to a medium golden brown.

Essentially I reinvented myself.

My thought process behind this was firstly that I wanted to look and feel good. And secondly, I did not want to be that person anymore. I did not want him to recognise me as the same Hannah. His Hannah. Because I wasn't anymore.

I firmly believe that as much as you need to go through an almost 'grieving' type period after a breakup there comes a point when you have to reaffirm what you are grieving for. That person is not dead. They are very much alive and breathing and moving on and texting girls they told you not to worry about. You cannot be sad about something that quite simply does not exist anymore. Myself and this ex boyfriend of mine do not exist together. The memories may linger but in time they fade away and new memories with new people replace them.

Or so I thought.

Once my new identity was complete and I had time to lick my wounds I was ready to enter the big wide world and meet the man that was going to make everything better.

Little did I know that that 'man' I was searching for does not exist.

It is also interesting to see once word gets out that you have walked back through the gates of Single Town who makes that unexpected first contact back into your life...

 

Until next time,

Hannah

Wordpress.com/hannahamandablog