At work the other day, one of the doctors I work with that knows about my history told me, "But you look great!" Keep in mind, he's a psychiatrist. I just wanted to tell him, "You know as well as I do, looks can be deceiving." I went home and cried my eyes out on December 23. My PTSD was bad that night. I couldn't escape the flashbacks. All that went through my mind was that if ONE thing had happened differently, I'd be buried right now. My daughters wouldn't have their mother. I couldn't escape those thoughts. Looking at my 3 year old, who loves me with all of her heart and looks forward to me coming home from work every day, I couldn't imagine them having to explain to her that I was in Heaven now and not with her. It breaks my heart to think of that. My beautiful 1 year old, I couldn't imagine her growing up never even knowing me... never knowing my face, my voice, my scent. That's enough to drop me to my knees in tears. Then Christmas Eve, my stepsons came over. I couldn't imagine them having to be told I would never be back to see them. It took forever to earn their trust, just for their young minds to think I abandoned them. I really lost it Christmas. Those thoughts were still in my head, then on top of that I was missing my family. I live in a different state now. It was the first time I didn't have a Christmas meal. The first time I didn't see my mom and sister and niece and nephews. It broke my heart and made me homesick. I was still crying yesterday... But at least I look great...

Published by Nurse D