Sometimes, being the weirdo I am, I talk to myself out loud and most the time, it is around the people I'm most comfortable with. Well, today I did just that around my wonderful best friend and well, it made the most perfect and hilarious story. 

Here I am in the grocery store, talking to myself about what I should and shouldn't put into this wonderful box for my delightful boyfriend that I'll be giving him next weekend (God this thing is perfect. Pictures to come later). Sentences such as "Would that make sense?" "That'll look good right?" and "Oh man, I don't know about this." and being that great best friend she is, she talks back to me saying the most unhelpful things ever. Not only does she suggest the most bizarre things to me, but she shoves them and pushes these items into my arms thinking they "totally" make sense. The best part? She KNOWS she's unhelpful. SHE PREFERS IT ACTUALLY.

So Jazz and I are sitting in my car, talking about her unhelpfulness and her enjoyment in the process and what do we come up with? A superhero. Captain Unhelpful. 

These are the scenarios that would go down if she was indeed Captain Unhelpful

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Scenario 1: 

Civilian: Captain Unhelpful Help! My daughter is stuck in a burning house and can't get out. What should I do!?

Captain Unhelpful: TAAKKKKKKEEE A NAP! 

Scenario 2:

Civilian: Captain Unhelpful! I won the lottery! What should I do with the money?

Captain Unhelpful: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUY TIMESHARES! 

Scenario 3: 

Old Woman: Oh miss Captain Unhelpful, is there a way to pick up a cat without hurting it?

Captain Unhelpful: BYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THE TAIILLL

Scenario 4: 

Teenager: Captain Unhelpful!!! I'm not sure what to watch on Netflix, do you have any suggestions?

Captian Unhelpful: WAAAAATTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH ALL 6 SEASONS OF LOOOOOSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTT

Scenario 5: 

*pulls up to drive-thru intercom

Lady: We make everything fresh! What would you like to order today?

Captain Unhelpful: NOPE.

*Drives away

Scenario 6:

Someone: Captain Unhelpful!!! Will you do me a favor?

Captain Unhelpful: I WILLLLLLLLLLLL SAY THAT I WILL BUT HONNNESSSSSSTTTTYYY WONNNN'TTT! 

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I don't know about y'all, but this is comic gold. It's up there with Squirrel Girl or The Red Bee, or maybe even...

Birdbrain...

birdbrain.pngWhat the fuck is this??

birdbrain2.png   Seriously... what the hell.

birdbrain3.png 

AAAhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

 

hqdefault

That's all I've got. 

Signing off.