Today, it’s been a hard morning for me. Nothing happened, I just cracked like I do sometimes. Specially now, that I am away from my friends and family for few months, starting new life on the other side of the world. It is hard for me, I knew that will be hard, before I moved, but back then I tried not to think about it, and it didn’t effect me so much. Now here I am, with my lovely son and husband, but all alone. Some would be surprised and ask how can you say you are all alone, if you are not. Well it is just a feeling, when you leave so many people behind, although the modern technology can bring them closer, it is not the same as being present. And humans are designed to miss things that do not have, and sometimes not appreciate or not to be satisfied with things that we do have. Sounds familiar? This could relate to most of our situations in everyday life.

When I was in my early 20s, I had a lot of friends, like everybody. Then I become more occupied, mostly with my work (which I loved btw). I distanced myself from most of my 20s friends, because mostly we were friends just to party together, we didn’t share secrets and cry on each others shoulders when we were sad. So friends, that stayed become real friends, you know, the ones for life. Even if we haven’t seen for a week or two, we have known everything that was going on with eithers life. We could laugh, complain, brag or cry it didn’t matter, because we have been friends for real.

Unfortunately, some people don’t know what unconditional love is. The one, that you don’t ask anything in return, even if you invest so much more in that relationship, or even if you could have a feeling that sometimes you have no say on certain thing, but you should have. You do not abandon that person because of all the flosses or things that really bother you about him, you stick with him, because of the certain bond you two have. It’s called unconditional love. Do not mix that with admiration or even with passion, where you would probably do anything for one, but with the reason – to have something from it, even for you. Unconditional love is usually the one you have with your child. You do not expect anything from him for your love, you would do things for him that are beyond or above your expectations. All because you do not think about yourself at that moment, you are not important.

But in most relationships you put yourself in primary position; what do you gain from that person. It is mostly about you, and then about ‘us’. If you do not agree, remember the last argument you have with one of your beloved. What was the problem and how did you want to solve it. If you say that your opinion/solution was in interest of both of you, how come you had an argument in a first place. Ok, you didn’t agree about something, naturally and healthy to have different opinions. Did you try to think about his point of view or even consider, that you were mostly looking at the problem from just your point of view. And when you say, that you were looking at the solution in a way that you both gain, how come the other person didn’t agree? Maybe because one didn’t see as much benefit from it as you did. Because you were mostly thinking about yourselves. It is not that you are arrogants who do not respect each other, or are egocentric, but you two do not have unconditional love.

Don’t be confused that in a case, where you would agree with someone in one case just because you would think that he will agree with you in next, is unconditional love, because it is not, it’s also not compromising. It is just conditioning. It is common in business, I give you a favor and you owe me one. Personal relationships are not business.

But there could also be a condition with unconditional love –  it’s existence. And a lot of people feel existence mostly with presence (closeness). With distance we feel like we lost it and we are eager to fulfill that emptiness or we can accept the distance and keep that love. However, both is hard and painful. One would say that you are not adapting as quick as others are, but it’s got nothing to do with adopting the new situation, rather to change and accept the previous, the one that you left behind. It is personal, involving a lot of feelings. And it is likely to suffer more if your relationships were closer and not superficial.

I think that just fulfill the emptiness you feel with things that doesn’t really matter, just to feel better, is the easiest way, but also the worst way you could do to yourself. With that, you lose a piece of you that meant a lot to you, so why would you want to lose it at first place. Because it’s hard. And you cannot hold on that piece for every price, you can move on with lost piece. It’s all about adjustment to new circumstances. You probably know the term from work, where at the beginning the adjustment seems hard, but eventually we all accept it and work on normally. It is similar in our private life. With added a lot of emotions. But the result is the same, we adjust. Everyone can look at some point in a life from past where he needed a change, maybe ended relationship. How do you feel about it now and how did you feel back then? I believe pretty different, you adjusted by now and your life goes on.

So yes, today it’s hard for me, but tomorrow will not be. When I moved, I already knew I will not leave friends and family behind, just in a different place that I will be. It is harder, but I don’t have to fulfill emptiness, because it’s full. I just need to adjust, constant presence is not an option, but still, it exists and modern technology can be used in our favor. I do adopt quickly, I do assimilate, but I do not erase the ones that mattered in the past, because they also matter in the presence.

Published by Jana Soleil