I haven't written a post in a while and part of that has been the horrific and crippling anxiety that I have been experiencing.

I have suffered with anxiety and depression since my teens and few years ago it was the worst it ever had been I resorted to self harm to keep me from doing something worse- it sounds crazy I know to hurt myself to stop me from taking my life and I understand when I am not suffocating in darkness it frightens me how low and ill I truly was. However at the time I was suffocating and struggled with the heaviness of the pain. It was actually physically tiring to walk or do anything with the darkness weighing me down, when I wasn't suffocating I was completely numb, frighteningly numb it felt as though my soul had left me I didn't feel attached to anyone to this world, I thought I would never feel again. And honestly at those times I found myself longing for the suffocating sadness as in all honesty it was a feeling it was killing me but it was better than being numb. At this point the only way to cope was to let the feelings out, self harming brought me a physical escape for the mental pain. I in no way condone self harm I was so ill at the time but I feel its important to share how bad it can be so if you are in this situation I promise you, that you can get through it.

I have had counselling, CBT, coping classes and pretty much every anti-anxiety and anti-depressant that is available all worked to an extent but one day I just woke up and my will to live was back. Many things stopped me from going through with taking my own life but every day was a struggle. When I felt really low and had suicidal thoughts I would promise that I would give it 24 hours and see how I would feel 9 times out of 10 this stopped me from acting on it. If I didn't feel any different then I would be in "crisis" and would seek help from a doctor normally the solution was to up my meds, and give me something like diazepam to make me to groggy and sleepy to do anything. 

I still suffer with both anxiety and depression and have had my dark days I used to try and ignore it and I would find that made me worse. Now I have learned to embrace it knowing that I can get through it, sometimes if it's prolonged I do find myself getting panicked that it will get back to the worst as I honestly don't know if I can go through it again and survive when those feelings occur I go to my doctor or my mental health provider and put a plan in place to get through it.

If you are going through this or anything like this I urge you to speak to someone, this was terrifying and for most of us at our lowest we are frightened to reach out but do! One thing I learned with my experience is that YOU ARE NEVER AS ALONE AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. That is the truth of it, its something I learned and have been able to teach others at their lowest points. Depression and anxiety make you believe that you are alone and no one cares and they are very convincing but people do, I care and you will find that friends and family will too, they might not understand but they care.

My Tips for Coping

  • If you feel low and down talk to someone, if you can't tell anyone write it down letting it out even if its just to a bit of paper it helps.
  • Pamper yourself, at our lowest we forget to look after ourselves have a bath, get a haircut, buy something you want. Anything really just make sure it's for you.
  • If you are having anxiety try and distract yourself. I draw or do make-up something that I enjoy but keeps my focus
  • If you are in the middle of a full blown panic attack-breathe there any many breathing exercises you can check out. Once you are taking deep breaths distract yourself, count windows, cars, my personal fave do hard sums in my head. It will pull your focus from the panic- this is tried and tested.
  • If you need to cry find a safe place and let it out, keeping inside just makes it worse.
  • Remember to eat regularly even if you don't have an appetite try having a little of something.

​These are just some of the methods and coping mechanisms that I have found to be effective. If you are low talk to someone. Talk to me if you don't have anyone if you are struggling I care about you, you are important and you are loved.

I truly hope sharing my experience helps and encourage everyone to share their experiences to remind those who need it that they are not alone!

Published by Jay Tonner