(This post was originally published on apoemadayblog.wordpress.com, August 9, 2016.)

 

I'm overall not a very anxious person. Lately, however, it seems to be the only thing I've been able to feel. With such a big change in my life, something I've been wanting to do my whole life (I think even before I knew what it was), it's hard not to stress about it.

This weekend, I went to Vancouver to go to the Visas and Immigration Office to hand in all of my paperwork to send it all off. I paid for priority shipping. Soon, I'll find out of Scotland will be a reality for this year or if I'll have to delay everything another full year.

The thought of it makes me want to throw up. The amount of work and money that I'll lose if this doesn't work out is almost indescribable. Of course it won't be the end of the world if I have to defer for a year. I can still go in 2017/18, but I'd rather not. I feel as though everything in my life has led me to this critical moment. This moment where I now wait, stuck in a metaphorical limbo, waiting for the fates to determine my destiny.

Aside from visa applications, I've been in a weird place in general lately. I keep forgetting what Revelstoke is truly like, especially now that I have so few friends left here. Just being here tends to make me uncomfortable after long periods of time. Being around people I once loved to see now makes me feel uneasy and unwelcome. Which honestly doesn't make sense--the people I do still know here are all lovely.

Maybe I'm not meant for this town anymore. Every once in a while, I still get that feeling we all have as a child. Wanting to run away, disappear, start a new life somewhere else.

Maybe I'll do just that one of these days. Cell phones and the internet make it easy to stay in contact with people I love. Perhaps once my Masters is over, if it works out this year, I'll move somewhere new again.

I can't seem to stop moving. I always dream of finding a permanent home. Once I think I've found it, I start to become uncomfortable in it. That uneasiness and feeling of being unwelcome un-home gets stronger the longer I spend in a place. Maybe I'm not meant to stay in one place. Maybe I need to downsize. Go somewhere new every couple years, I'm not sure.

Maybe it's just something in me that isn't being satisfied. Maybe the feeling of a place being shiny and new, even if I've been there before, just isn't enough to last.

Lately, I have been dealing in anxieties and trying to trade them away in distractions. I want to hide away from the world, tuck myself away into some corner of the world and become something more.

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep.

Reflections

I want to see my reflection
in broken beer bottles.

I can hear her voice in the clouds,
"my sunshine,"
she calls me
as if it will change the weather.

Chrysanthemums burst
through damp earth,
mid-May. Rainy season.

A girl runs, 
covering her smooth brown hair
with a beige purse
to the nearest shelter.

Still,
I want to see my reflection
in cracked windows.

Give me a smoke
and sigh my name in full
as if I haven't turned out
just like you.

Two yellow rubber bands
grace my wrist, on the left.
I will snap one
for you.

 

 

Published by Katrina Pridgeon