Have you felt the heat of someone's stare? Have you see "that look" darting your way? Have you dished that fiery comment out in a heated argument? It's painful isn't it? I get anxious and want to find some chocolate or do something physical like go on a walk (away from them). Sometimes I get worn out and drained from being around hateful people. Each of us is party to negative interactions, right? I can think of some lately for me.  The negative judgments of others and the ones we dish out create very low feelings. Those lowest feelings are depression. What we're feeling are negative attachments draining on our energy, and creating the uneasiness that, left untreated, cause dis-ease throughout our body and mind. Some people feel more than others based on several things including sensitivities, career choices, those we've chosen to associate with, and community choices.  There are different things people do to either heal or hide the pain. I spend most of my business hours helping people to heal from the draining, negative attachments they have lived with. I spent almost 18 mos working on my own healing in this area. The transformation has been breathtaking. 

People can be so mean to other people. People  judge people. We just have something to say about what we don't like. Typically, when judging,  people see what someone is doing or saying and then people feel entitled to share the emotions that come up for them. In those emotionally charged moments they feel  a rush of anger, hate, jealousy and/or resentment.  Can you picture one of those moments right now? I know I can. It may be shocking to my readers to consider that every time a person judges someone, they attach in a draining, painful way to that person.  They create quite an unintentional attachment that brings out the worst in both parties. They also put a distance between their best healthy self and their healthy relationships. People become limited in what they can process in any given moment. When people fill their space with unhealthy actions and emotions, they push out the best parts of themselves and wonder why they aren't happy or the joy of life is gone. It feels really good to disconnect those painful attachments. 

To be fair, many times it is in an effort to protect themselves from a perceived danger that people go to their anger and judge others. Have you heard the phrase, "Hurt people, hurt people"? Did you just think of something that comes up for you?  That is true for those who shoot their fiery darts at us, too. "I have been hurt just like this before! What a jerk! I'm never going to let this happen to me again" may be the mantra of this person's subconscious. I have had those moments when I am in my head, swearing that this will never happen to me again, and plotting how to keep safe. People usually find themselves calling someone very undesirable names or swearing at them or railing whatever the circumstances are. The underlying vulnerable emotion is a deep fear of more pain. Another very raw, important emotion people protect and hide is sorrow. I can talk about that more a little later.

A person's anger creates a cage around them because, remember, they are on guard now. They become deeply determined to not be hurt like that again! What people don't realize is that in that cage they stay, not growing, not living fully, not enjoying yummy happiness, and certainly not gaining the great life lessons that make they the best person they are intended to be. They can't see life through clear eyes. Their relationships reflect their choice to protect their hearts. They associate with others who judge or live in fear and pain. They tell their story and stick with it, guarding it and moving it around in an armored truck with thick bulletproof walls. I have watched a young woman broadcast her anger over Facebook for a couple years. When I met her, she had so much to say about others and most of it was judgmental. Even in her attempts to better her life, she has cutting remarks about someone or some circumstance. She has tried to run her own business and that failed (it was a networking business which required her to build relationships and sell a great line of products). All she has right now is her dog and her anger. Who wants to be with someone who is ready to burst when buttons get pushed (intentionally or unintentionally)? Usually only those who are as guarded as they are. People buy into limiting beliefs and then wonder why their life is the way it is. There IS another way.

I told you that I would talk about sorrow. Most everyone on this planet we call home has experienced loss of one kind or another-all ages are in this experience. There really is no limit to who is effected. Our family has experience huge losses in the past year. My husband and I lost 2 of our 6 children in a span of 5 months. We have been in the process of learning our new reality. We have done everything we can to talk, share and be open with our experiences throughout the sorrow filled months we have lived. But the pain has seemed impossible. My personal goal has been to work to keep my heart still and open. For those who have been through their parents' divorce, the death of a family pet, their personal divorce, the death of a spouse or child or any other loss like their lifetime career, their home, their savings and such, you know similar panic over things that are out of your control, changing the very face of the life you had hoped for and built your dreams on. But what good does it do to hide out, check out, act out, or throw emotional punches? I have seen the difference between those who are authentic and real about what has happened to they and those who have taken on such challenges with a hateful mantra. I have seen those who have lost in these moments of trauma, key stability and were softer in their approach, giving themselves room to process without a victim mentality. Those with the more gentle approach with themselves find clarity with more speed and efficiency. Those who go to anger, blame and hate and sit there, really struggle to find healthy answers, if they do at all. Living in the mindset that people do, that they have no control and are always acted upon is all a part of that guarded story with an army to support it. There is no personal strength in that. People who keep the flow of emotions real tend to act with more courage, patience and faith. They don't know what their new reality will hold. They are crushed beyond measure. Yet in their darkest moments they are not fearful, they are steady and real about who they are. One common connection these brave souls exhibit is the connection to a higher being, like God-something bigger than themselves. 

It's a truth that life happens. People are people. We do not have control over others. We are not always on our best behavior either, right? There are many moments when people are feeling very uncomfortable, worried or maybe even attacked. What do I do to be healthy and experience life with all of it's unpredictability?  The people who I mentor ask this quite often. There is a lot of anxiety right now about the lack of control. What has been working for me is using the tools of discernment as well as other tools including essential oils. We are finding massive success in our work. I began my journey when our son was hit with mental illness his freshman year in college. There was no indication that this would ever happen to such a wonderful young man with great promise (don't get me wrong, he was a normal great 18 year old). As we walked that battle line with him, I began to notice certain things. One thing was his reaction to conflict. His mind really wasn't working well at all so his reactions were very unmasked. One thing we noticed was that if my husband and I were having a heated discussion, he would end up in our doorway. I realized that when I thought about it was that venting, arguing loudly, accusing, and anything hateful was like dealing with those not so fun moments when the kids would get sick. We have 6 great children. So this thought was rich with gross memories. Have you ever had one of those times when someone in the house (or car) throws up, or a couple of them do, and you have to clean them up, the sheets up, the blankets and carpet? Everything smells. Lots of laundry gets done to not only clean germs but smells and the house isn't the same for a few days.

Just like vomiting, getting outwardly angry and judgmental gets everyone dirty, smelly and needing to be nursed back to health.  I remember the craze of a certain show where the host would have salacious controversies play out in front of a live audience, things that were life crushing and very personal. There were always years and yelling. Often there were extravagant fights between those whose lives had just hit a major crisis hot spot on national television. It was like a societal illness. Everyone smelled-the host, the network, those who were the show participants and, the audience both live and the broadcast audiences.  This show had far reaching effects throughout society. Now it was hilarious to get physically brutal with someone if they caused you the pain of loss. It was acceptable to lash out and claim the victim story. There was no solution offered. There was not healing happening. There was not one moment of true love and support shown to anyone participating. We just saw the worst of it. A whole generation became more disrespectful and "open" with their hate. I am part of that generation. I even bought into the idea that if I had something disagreeable to share that I must share it for my health! That's completely off. I have learned the art of healing without having to talk to one other person about things. 

So when I first set out to find a new way to process my thoughts, I knew that I needed a way to truly process things through, not bury them. I learned the science behind the fact that the more that a person holds on to negative emotions and stores them, the more sickness or dis-ease, as I mentioned earlier, that person creates for ourselves. There had to be a different way to be passionate and still maintain my best self-the loving, kind person inside that I wanted to be seen on the outside. There had to be a way for me to be strong and courageous without "acting" distant like I would just handle it all myself and didn't need anyone. I realized that I could be a lot healthier if I could just figure all of this out.

I am a Christian woman and love reading uplifting quotes in the scriptures. I was drawn to the phrase, "Judge not lest ye be judged" and to the idea shared by Jesus that we need to forgive everyone because he'll be the one who sees a person's heart and works with them better than we can. His intention in teaching this is for us to free ourselves of those negative attachments so that we have the freedom to love and grow. How masterful! Then I thought about things I have read about discerning. What is discernment? I wondered if this would be different than judging. As I looked into this deeper, I learned some very interesting things. When a person discerns, they evaluate a situation and make a choice. They learn who the players are. They see what they do and hear what they say. They then take notice of what is healthy and coming from a place of love and are able to make the decisions they need to make to be consistently strong in their space of love. Noticeably absent is the harmful emotion set of anger, jealousy, unbridled resentment, and hate. Noticeably present are the emotions of loving courage, strength, faith, and patience. 

This is truly powerful! It has been a very life changing shift for me. I feel more grounded and less anxious. I feel more empowered in my own loving space and safe from being tossed to and fro by the false beliefs and judgments of others. I feel stronger in a happier way. I have seen the lives of many who have mentored with me shift into healthier places. They comment that they haven't had to go to the hospital because of their panic attacks anymore. They haven't lashed out at their families. They feel more clear even in the hard challenges they face. And best of all, they are able to maintain their best selves and carry that peace that had been missing in their hearts. I love the new realities that they have been creating with their families, jobs and communities.

I still work to stay away from anger. It has gotten easier and easier.  It will probably be a lifetime journey just because I love being amongst humanity and that means that there are many unpredictable moments. But now I won't allow myself to be caged in by my own anger filled judgments or those of others. And I won't hide my emotions. I will continue to process them with clearer eyes. I'll live full and free in my heart and reach out to help others free themselves. Discerning verses Judging, what will you choose?

Feel free to reach out to me at mercifulessentials@yahoo.com or join me on FB at My Blue Hearts where we are beginning to share more of our mission