My husband and I had a very interesting conversation.

We were discussing my writing. I had said that I didn't feel clever enough and was basically full of self doubt. He questioned me on what I was trying to achieve, “Who cares?” “What are you trying to prove?” “It's never going to amount to a career, do it for fun, you have a career, it's your 5 kids”.

Can Motherhood be considered a career though? Lots of people are mothers, not just me!

I'm proud of my kids, they're amazing, and I know I can take credit for that. It's critical they grow to be people with a purpose that contribute to society. I have 5 and it's a huge task.....but if they become the sole reason for my existence, then I'm out of balance.

My mother has had a career as a teacher, she is the epitome of a ‘lifelong learner’ she has a Masters, and continues to study, she is amazing and admirable. Her intelligence and ability to keep the ship afloat blows me away.

She has this amazing career and has also managed to raise four normal kids. (Fairly normal). Plus three step daughters.

I'm sure there must be times when she's been so glad to retreat into teaching. I've also seen her make amazing longterm friendships.

I'll be honest I feel such a mixture of emotion. At times I'm grateful I don't have to juggle a career and everything else that mothers do. But then there are many times I feel really lonely, and wonder what I could possibly do to feed my soul. I wonder if I am not achieving enough with my life. Frankly housework does NOT feed my soul, and when you're shit at it, it sux!!

But then again whether you’re earning money or not there's probably one part of what you do, that needs doing, that doesn't particularly set your soul on fire.

I have a nursing degree, but I've done so many different types of nursing that I feel lost.  Overwhelmingly I also feel a lack of confidence. I also have a huge fear of commitment because my family must come first. The kids are sick so often it's insane!

So who do I turn to in times of emotional turmoil? My mum. She reassured me. Yes she's had an amazing career, but she is going to retire soon ....then what? Her career does not define who she is, she is more than a teacher, and she needs all of her parts to make her whole.

I know what I need to feel happy, and it's a sense of community and belonging, Family and friendship. Knowing that i’m loved and helping others. The right balance between myself and my responsibilities. Friendship,  Family and purpose.

My step sister passed away two years ago at the age of 39, she had a brain tumour. She was a brilliant artist, when she could no longer paint or earn money as an architect one of the things she became preoccupied with was earning money. She needed a purpose. She even considered becoming a cow inseminator! When I remember that I feel guilty and grateful to live the life I'm living.

When I have moments of self doubt and uncertainty, and I'm sure they will still continue to come, I need to remind myself, loving my family unconditionally and providing my kids with the raw materials they need to be successful and happy is one purpose I have, it's not a career, it's a purpose.

Its up to me to try new things, there’s still much I’m unsure of, but, i like it, fear can either paralyse me or drive me to try new things. So even though i’m not the most intelligent writer out there, i will keep it up, who knows maybe it could lead to a career, and if not, it still feeds my soul!

 

Published by Inspiring Anna