(Featured photo by Photography by Jess Dearing)

In 2014, I got out of a relationship that was not bad so to speak in an unhealthy way, but ill-fitted and, though I was yet to realise it, going nowhere. Of course, I was devastated, though the fact that my grades had significantly dropped between the time my partner had first left me until I met the man who was to become my husband are evidence of that. I had to adjust to not having the love of my life with whom to share.

Fast forward three years and my wedding nears every month. To another human, to someone I would never have considered my 'type' at all. I do dearly care for him and his future – one of the reasons I can be sharp with him, for he does not appreciate how much appearances are necessary and how other people should also factor into our union and the way he behaves – but the other side of me knows that my soulmate belongs elsewhere.

It’s something that I have accepted, and moved away from. I can deal with it, no self-pity involved. (At the moment.)

The other morning, though, I had a dream. Not a dramatic one, despite my propensity for those (as a writer and someone with a vivid imagination, they have happened, death and depression) – but shockingly the opposite. Of my ex. We happened to meet at my place of work, and take stock of each other; we chatted, wondered, assessed. I'm not certain, but it may have been an attempt to guess who had 'won' out of the emotional divorce. Very How I Met Your Mother.

It's always there in my dreams of them: that hope and a notion of what-could-have-been. Even so, this time, the sensation was difficult. A release, almost. I spoke about my fiancé, and they indicated their unavailability too, and my dream-filled heart soared. We could both move on...

Then I awoke. And do you know what I felt most that was permeating through the dream?

Forgiveness. That which we had always needed to offer each other.

However else I was comforted by the imagination, it's difficult to step away truly from a dream like that. Anybody who has ever had a positive dream about an ex will be able to say the same. There's a wistfulness if nothing else. And they stay on your mind through the daytime, a little too close for comfort, even when they are miles away and in the past.

For now, though, I can hope that the fiction my brain churns out has reflected reality and our forgiveness towards each other… However unsaid.


I don’t really talk about the past on there, but you might find other glimpses of my life on my blog and certainly the lives of my fictional characters.