This is a work of fiction, inspired by many stories about bad dates and social dating sites. If any piece of this work reflects or is similar to a character you know, that is not my fault.  Ask them if they were recently working a dating site!

Dear Tom, Dick, Harry, Simon, Ramon, et al

Thank you for sending me naked pictures of your torso and in some cases, your nether regions.  I didn’t need to know you had a mole down there or that you’re capable of flexing muscles that are not necessarily accessible by most mammals.  This has however overshadowed my “hello, how are you?” message sent on our mutual dating site.  I know I should feel flattered that you went to all the trouble of filling my inbox with messages of affection over the one photo I posted, but, as stated in my profile, I am searching for a John Doe who wants something more than just a hook up.

For those with whom I have actually risked a conversation, your various ways of coercing me into a meeting via body visuals, incredible promises of physical fulfilment and somewhat shady humourous jokes and anecdotes, I salute you.  You have managed to reduce my respect for men.  Is it at all possible to hold a conversation without alluring to how fit you are; how rich you might be or how you’d like to “spend time” with me?

Whilst my self-confidence is taking a thorough beating every time I acknowledge defeat and fall for your wily ways, my waistline seems to increase with my coping mechanisms.  Chocolate and wine serve as nicer companions than dates who insist on meeting for a drink, only to leave me with the bill and a sloppy kiss.  I suppose that is far better than the guy who was better quoiffed and sprigged than me; I can’t complain about that date.  He left me with his beautician and the ingredients to a fantastic cleanser.

Please don’t feel intimidated when you find out I earn more money or drive a Mercedes E Class. Yes, I have worked hard and do not need to validate myself to a stranger who drives an Aygo. We all make choices as adults and I chose to buy an expensive car, just as you decided to treat your friends to a week in Amsterdam. Thank you for showing me the photos.  I love the one taken by the Penis Museum, and no, we will not be going on a second date.

The purpose of this email is to let you know that I will not be continuing my subscription to the dating site and request that you remove my number from your phone.  If I am destined to live with ten cats and sit alone knitting at night whilst watching the latest Sewing Bee or Bake Off, so be it.  It is a far cry better than attaching myself to someone who knows nothing about my personality but insists I lose a couple of pounds to match his ideal image of me.  Do not persist in contacting me as I am sure you now realise that my search for John Doe is now over.  He probably never existed and putting a combination of all you gentlemen together into one personality would still not make up for what is missing in the human link.

Good luck in your hunt for a female partner.  You will need it.

Kind Regards

Open-eyed Bertha


Published by Eloise De Sousa