A Rant about Growing Up and No Longer Having a Summer Vacation

I have been out of school for two years now, so not starting this school year shouldn’t be a big deal for me. However, my first jobs after I graduated allowed me to (basically) still have real summers. For the past two summers, I worked three days a week for about five hours a day, but now I have a big-girl corporate job where I work eight (and a half including lunch) hour days five days a week all summer long.

See the difference? It’s been a stark summer, to be honest.

Instead of making plans with friends and doing fun summer things, I spent almost every night this summer watching Netflix and going to bed (relatively) early. It was the first summer of my life that didn’t feel like a summer. And it’s been making me nostalgic as I see posts on Facebook of everyone moving into their college dorms. Plus, my youngest brother just started college so that has made me feel really old.

Even though I live on my own and have a big-girl job, I still feel pretty young and/or childish. At my age, my mom was already married and having her first child. I feel nowhere near ready for anything like that.

Maybe I lack maturity, maybe I’ve held too closely to the adage that I am currently the youngest I will ever be again, or maybe society as a whole is expecting less of us “young adults.” Whatever it is, I always thought I would have my life together once I was an adult. But now that I am an adult, I really don’t feel like one.

That’s been the story of my life though. When I was ten I was so impressed with everyone who was 16. They all seemed so mature and put together. When I was 16 I felt like a child impostor, and I figured that I would be as put together as all of those cool college students that seemed to know exactly what they were doing with their lives. When I was one of those “cool” college kids, I felt as lost as ever.

I hoped that once I graduated I would finally have things together. That’s what happens when you get a degree, right? You find the job of your dreams and feel like you have a purpose in life. Now I’m a graduated adult with a degree and a job, and I still feel pretty clueless. No purpose, no real drive. I go to work every day to sit in front of a computer and I go home every night to watch TV.

It’s all been rather bland. So lately I’ve been trying to fix that. I started painting again and my roommate and I are going to try to start writing again (I got degrees in Creative Writing and Art, so I enjoy painting and writing). My hope is that my life will feel less bland. Maybe painting and writing will end up being my purpose. Maybe I’ll become a famous painter or author who has everything together.

Or maybe not. I’m just looking for something that will help me stop missing school and having a real summer. I hated school and all of the stress I put myself under (for basically no reason) so missing it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and needs to stop ASAP. Missing summer makes sense, but unless I become a teacher (gross) I’m not going to have one ever again. A sad thing I need to come to accept.

You may be wondering how my title fits with this blog. Well, it's like Weezer said on their new album,

"I just want summer to end" (because I no longer have one). 

Published by Kristina Hemmerling