My self loathing has steadily increased for years, I have got to the stage now where I am unwilling to go into any clothes shop and when out of the house I feel like all eyes are judging me, judging my size and my appearance. I love makeup but I feel that people look at me and question ‘Why bother putting lipstick on a pig?” So now I have decided to act, no more will I tell myself its not that bad, no more will I tell myself that it will be okay.. Now is time to act. I am kicking of my fitness adventure and taking my readers with me along the way! So perhaps I should tell you a little about myself.

My name is Amber and I am 25 years young, I live in the UK but in the next few months I hope to live with my fiancee  in Sweden, her name is Linn and she is amazing! I am currently working in a shop, I work with great people but being surrounded by sweets and crisps all day really tests my very weak self control. I am far too heavy, I am not quite ready to weigh myself yet, I will do when I feel able. I worry that if I weigh myself now it will just make me turn to comfort eating once more and I will pile on even more weight. I have only just over the last few months been able to admit to myself that I have a problem with comfort eating, perhaps even a food addiction. I can just sit and eat and my anxiety can mean I spend days on end without leaving my bedroom, without moving from the comfort of my safe haven, my bed. I’ve always been a big eater but my eating I think steadily increased after my Mum died when I was 12 years old, she died from Cancer and it was a big shock to me and a big shock to my system.. Everything was changing all around me and food was my only constant. I did well enough in school and extra curricular but I still didn’t eat well. I went through periods of skipping meals and periods of binge eating and then forcing myself to be sick. I’ve always been a big girl but it wasn’t until I went to University that I really started to pile the weight on.

Stress nearly destroyed me while at University, I was studying History and Archaeology but along with a poor sleep pattern I was eating at all hours, cakes and chocolate, crisps and fizzy drinks.. I was out of control and I saw it on the faces of my family once I got home. My clothes no longer fit. I blamed birth control for so long but looking back I know there is only one person that I can blame and that person is me. I am ashamed. I am ashamed every single time I look in a mirror. I saw myself as something else for so long, I didn’t see the size I had become but now I do. Now I need to do something about it.  My weight is having a huge effect on my health, my knees and back ache all the time, I get breathless quickly and I can do very little physical exercise without total exhaustion. I am in my prime yet I feel like a middle aged woman.

Enough is enough, I am sick of the excuses I constantly make for myself, the time to act is now and so I am. I hope to one day get into a size 10 pair of jeans and I want to be comfortable enough to wear those jeans and be proud of my achievements. Wish me luck guys I will most certainly need it.

Published by Amber Brindley