You know Who,

Feeling as if my soul has been snatched out my body, or maybe not my soul but someone or something has definitely stolen my joy. My happiness. I swear the more aware I become, the more I’m let down by those expected to honor or simply respect me, the further my family pulls apart, the more I realize I don’t have anything to be so happy about. Terrified for my unborn children, I worry everyday about their well being when they enter this world. I can love them all I want, but what good is a mother’s love in a world filled with hate.I'm so glad we had that talk today, I don’t think I'd be able to handle this as well without it. Even though I ended up feeling like shit, it's okay because you were right and I needed to hear that. Sometimes I need that real talk from someone I respect to realize how damn STUPID I've been. VERY gullible, naive, just a damn fool. For years I’ve been settling expecting happiness, heading down a road of self-destruction trying to find myself while degrading myself but wanting love. I don’t need love right now; I’m starting to believe maybe I don’t even know what love is. I don’t and haven’t loved myself, so how can I expect anyone else to love me the way I deserve to be? I know I promised you I'd reach out to you instead of going to that dark place, even though no one keeps their promises to me, I’ll always be a woman of my word. DAMN, that dark place is calling for me.  I've spent my whole life treating people the way I would want to be treated and learned at young age, it doesn’t work like that. My mom always said not to let my past control my future. How? Show me someone strong enough to bear my pain and able to take 2 STEPS in my shoes yet remain as optimistic and wholehearted as me. Since May of 2016 I’ve gotten roughly 20 thousand views. Yes, THOUSAND, not hundred. From different states AND countries. I remember my first chat with someone from Pakistan, omg I’ll never do that again lol. Having followers so intrigued by ME, wanting to hear my voice, finding my strength inspirational is motivation. Always being told my pain is felt through my writing gives me a sense of accomplishment, considering I’m just venting not trying to tell a story. I hold back a lot fearful of the criticism that could come with knowing me.  My horrific past, the stories behind my scars, or even the thoughts running through my head, you'd be VERY afraid of me. I'm scared of me. My therapist told me to write out my life story, every single detail and that’ll be the start of getting over it. I shocked the hell out of a friend when admitting I see a therapist. Come on, everyone knows beautiful women are CRAZY AS HELL! Thankfully I’m black and the worst I’ll do is cuss you out and MORE THAN LIKELY TEST YOUR MANHOOD. Oh Yea, we’re fighting and you better let me win or have your phone handy. You know what they say, “Whoever gets the phone first, the other ones going to jail" lol. Be glad I’m not a beautiful Latina, they DO NOT f*ck around. She’ll cut you, your brake lines, watch you drive down a hill and will GENUINELY visit you at the hospital with a get well balloon. See I’m not that crazy, count your blessings. Push me you may not make it to the hospital. JUST KIDDING, I don’t even know where break lines are. I’m a window smasher and tire slasher.  My sisters and I are private investigators for an unknown agency. My sister Ebby will track you down via social media, Nu gets all the information on you and ironically the small big sister will kidnap you and bring you in for questioning. Wait, I may be thinking of the secret service or CIA? Whatever, you get the picture. Even though to me, it seems all odds are against me, I’m really trying to stay positive. Don’t know how considering I'm so numb and empty I couldn't crack a smile to save my life. Wishfulthinking or am i being Optimistic? 

Published by ShylahBoss Lee