I didn’t want to follow You. I didn’t want to be labeled a Christian or try to live this perfect life. I wanted to be normal, like everybody else. I am normal, yet, I’m different.

Somehow, You made me different. I hated You for it. I despised You for it. I blamed You for my pain. I blamed You for my struggle. I blamed You for those who left me alone. They wouldn’t be with me as long as I was with You. And You wouldn’t leave no matter how far I tried to run away from You.

You stayed when I rejected You. You stayed when I didn’t love You. You stayed when I took Your gifts for granted. You stayed when I wasted time, energy, my life on nothing. You stayed for the oddest of reasons. You loved me and I didn’t know why.

Who am I to You? And why would You pick me to do what I never wanted to? Why not someone else? Why me? Who are You? What gives You the right to do this to me?

I know. You are the One who created me. Created everything. My free will was given to me by You. I have so many questions. Not as many answers. Especially ones that make sense.

How many people have You sent along the way to tell me I’ll be okay? How many people, saved or not, have pushed me back on the oh-so narrow road? Out of the blue, they show up, prodding me to stay true to You.

But why? Why do I have to when I barely know who You are? How clearly do You show Yourself to me? What do I owe You?

Everything. Odd. I don’t know, yet, I do.

Some people have a choice. I don’t. I don’t think I do. I’ve tried to run. I’ve tried to hide. I’ve tried to deny any existence of You. Yet, I’m back to square one. Here You are. Following me, still. Why?

What is it You want me to say? What is it You want me to do? How am I supposed to do this? Light. The only word I hear. Light.

You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am. You don’t know what I’ve done. You don’t know all of the darkness that hides in me. Thrives in me. Choose someone else.

Tears? Why am I crying?! Because I want to be good. I want to be good and don’t know how. As hard as I try, I keep going back to the old me, eventually. I can’t do this on my own. I need You with me. Which is why I allow You to stay. Or You stay anyway. Deep down, I want to be good. Better than I ever thought I could be.

You promised me. You promised that if I gave up my life, I would gain my life in return. So now, I want my life. I want what You promised me. But I don’t want to give up everything, even though I have to. Everything.

I didn’t know it would cost me this much. Sometimes, you lose possessions. Sometimes, friends, relationships. It hurts a lot. But I can’t go back to who I used to be. I can’t. I like the new me.

I’ll end. I remember a classmate telling me something about You, years ago, high school. But I don’t think he was saved. He just knew I was drifting away from You.

He tried to introduce me to a band called “Jars of Clay.” I rejected the CD he gave. Why would a person who doesn’t believe in God try to make sure I continued to believe in God? It doesn’t make sense. But it happened then, it happens now.

Years later, I was looking for You. I wanted to know who You are and didn’t want to go to a church or pastor to search for answers. I heard a song on the radio and had to find the artist.

I should have known: "Jars of Clay." They’ve been my favorite band ever since.

Several years after that, I was attending Azusa Pacific University for a Semester in Screenwriting. Although, I missed the band’s performance because of attending class, I was able to take a photograph with the lead singer.

Maybe it’s my turn now to share "Jars of Clay" with someone else. Whoever you are, the name of the song is “Liquid.”

Published by Eric Christopher Jackson