When I was a child I loved food. I would eat anything put in front of me and wouldn’t make a single complaint. I remember any meal containing meat was a thing I devoured on the spot. Especially in primary school. Then shortly after I turned twelve I decided to become a vegetarian. My relationship with food changed, as you could probably imagine. This is a major decision to make yourself at a young age. After a year of becoming accustomed to this diet it was like second nature. My relationship with food still felt the same to me as before. However, I just chose now not to consume anything with a face.

Shortly after I turned thirteen everything changed dramatically. Not at first. Instead, it gradually became apparent. I decided to diet, for whatever reason I can’t remember, (probably seeing something in the media) and I wanted to lose a few pounds. At first that was all I wanted. Then it became obsessive. Compulsive. I had to exercise daily and deprive myself of eating anything “fatty”. After nine months, I had lost around twenty-one pounds. At this point I was forced to see the doctor. My parents were worried and I was too consumed in losing weight that I didn’t notice. I remember the doctor telling me that if I lost any more weight I would be diagnosed with anorexia. I knew I had to try and change. If not for me then for everyone else.

I have tried so hard since that day. Now that I am almost twenty-one I still find everyday difficult with my relationship to food. I have seen counsellors, doctors and dietitians. You name it! I still struggle to change. I have now finally gained the weight that I lost seven years ago and that was one of the biggest challenges of my life. It may be easy for you to say to me to just eat more but unfortunately it isn’t that simple. I can’t tell you why as I don’t know myself. If I did I wouldn’t be like the way I am now. I would have an amazing relationship with food and I wouldn’t worry myself to the point of throwing up or not being able to sleep.  

In my mind, I wouldn’t say I have an eating disorder. I haven’t been officially diagnosed as most the things I have written now I haven’t told anyone. I wanted people to think I was fine and didn’t have any problems especially when it came to food. It has been extremely difficult to write this about me, as it is the most personal I have ever been. I know there are many people out there that are like me though and I wanted them to know they are not alone. Occasionally, days will be crappier than others. I’m not going to lie. But that’s why we must carry on for the good ones. Even though it looks like the relationship will never be “normal” again, we have to at least try, as who can actually say what will be waiting for us around the corner? 

Published by Jason Carter