Life now looks like that fork in the road where you stop because you don't know how and where next to career. It is so for me because I've never planned for after now, having all my life planned for up till now, not particularly thinking I would make it to this point. It was even easier writing about times like this before, and now that it has come I haven't been able to muster enough words for a post since waking about the exact time I clocked the milestone. Yes, I haven't exactly gotten all I'd wished for, but my desires have also been tempered over time, as my id gave way to the stoic over time, such that I presently definitely have no wants, while my needs have become NOT "must haves", in the way you can say this without necessarily saying I am without any form of ambition. I entered into now, more appreciative of the gift of life, and as you would've noticed in my writings, with less dread of death, and more accommodative of my fate, warts and all. My experiences in these four decades made sure of the above. Interestingly, much of what has shaped my present thinking took root only in the last few years, though not discountenancing the many years of trial and error before that. It's being an interesting learning period for me and I'm glad to have come at this time, though many times I'd become disillusioned with this time, and wished I'd come earlier, especially during the time of great Greek philosophers like Heraclitus, not so I could be his contemporary, adversary, antagonist or the likes, but just so I could be his disciple, and see and hear things with his eyes and ears direct from source. I'm going into uncharted territory, the only thing I have as arsenal being my experiences. I don't know how long for but surely every bit of it I intend to treat as gift for all that it's worth. As today drew nearer it became apparent to me that I might not have had everything totally figured out, that maybe I needed some more time to add to the foundation that I've taken so far to build. Much of the early years was spent chasing a career, then fulfillment of dreams, with some remaining yet unattained and a few seemingly unattainable, but unlike the past when I was frustrated by lack, or by the snail speed at which aims and objectives were attained, I have learnt to bother myself less about things, when they are not as forthcoming as I'd have loved them to, trusting YAHWEH (who knows what is good for a man in his life), to order and direct my footsteps. The focus has shifted mainly from the limbic, and though not necessarily to the spiritual entirely, but more to the less material. Fulfillment exists for me now in things less physical than it was for me years back, for instance who would've thought that I'd spent a day like this appreciating art, over blowing the top in profligacies (which really has never being my thing in the first place), especially after reaching a so called milestone. Now that I write this, I'm beginning to think that there's not much to it, beside the fact that we have decided to make a big deal out of being two scores or four decades old; and having being here and doing it I already feel empty, like some premature ejaculation after you must have fantasized for weeks about how your first sexual experience with the so called girl of your dreams will be. And that was how I came all this far, preparing all my life for this day, having no thoughts about the day after, only to find it desolate, devoid of all the expectations I once placed upon it. But I do not count this all loss, but rather a reordering of priorities and an understanding essentially of the things that (should) matter, and what I now count as achievements are different from what I thought I would be counting as same, even as lately as five years ago. Gladly, I would've been hugely disappointed if my measure of success hadn't changed, though somewhere deep inside me I wonder if my new measure of success isn't compensatory in nature, to delude me into thinking that I hadn't exactly done badly for myself, with the insight I now have on, and about life. However, the justification for this, comes in the fact today those things I could readily brandish today failed to bring my joy when I got them, and while those I now extol haven't also availed me much in like manner, the freedom it affords me is what I'm grateful for, and wish I'd come to this awareness much earlier than I did. But I'm here now, and I'm grateful for ALL (the good, the bad, and the ugly) that helped to bring me thus far. 'kovich PICTURE CREDIT: - FORK IN THE ROAD

Published by m'khail madukovich