Stupid, dreamer, trusted, and romantic…That is how I remember A guy I meet when I was around 18 or 20; he always saw the best in people and since he recognize his real self and being part of the gay world, he had this dreams of discovering love, discovering companion, someone to share his love, dreams, goals and sadness.

He told me one time about his story and how his live change slowly. He discovered love once he finish school, and when he started his professional education; few days after he started lessons, somebody new came to class, everybody was wondering who X was, we heard his voice behind the door, the teacher stoped the class waiting for X to enter; When he finally did, they saw him, and the heart of someone in particular was more excited that the rest… He though!!! – X sitted behind him… and since then they started doing homework together and becoming friends… but for him, it was something more.

He did so many things for this guy all the way long; he use to buy X candies or chocolate every day; when they got together in X Place, he did all the homework meanwhile X was sleeping (poor X he worked really hard), and for him it was a pleasure just for being close to him and sleep close in X bed. One time he give X a silver chain with pink panter accesory that his mom gave to him..He was so stupid – my friend said; he though X was so special and important in that moment for him, that he gave him something he treasured for so long… And days after he asked, where the chain was, and X answer -“I don’t know, that must be somewhere, maybe under the bed or maybe lost” – stupid!!! my friend repeat again.

At the end he was heart broken, he woke up, he stoped dreaming, he putted the fits on the ground, he woke up and stopped allowing to be use just for companion. They never had anything more that the touch of their hands, the looks eyes to eyes, the play, the game… He realize slowly that he was the one feeling and dreaming…and X, well X knew how to use his charmed to control that game; after all it was a game. But he, my friend, the guy I knew, didn’t know he was playing that game.

Since then started a road of trying and failing; In the beginning all was special; the butterflies in the stomach, the excitement waiting for the calls, the illusions screaming hard, and then the disappointments: the feeling of not being important, the feeling of being just one more in somebody’s sex agenda, the mistreatment of foreigner summer love, the emptiness and loneliness that gay world give you and you notice once and a while… once and again he was surrounded by his own romance ghosts.

Years passed, things change, he change, he became me, and I leave him in the past.

So now I wonder beatches, am I the only gay who feel that the gay world is like a damage transformation machine, that gives you electro shocks in the process to give you thick skin but harder heart???

 Damn… I do think it is like that, and sometimes even worst, but at the end we have ourselves, we find ourselves, we have our family, and finally in the future, after kissing many heartless, sexheadicts, and dump frogs… You will find who loves as you really are and apreciated every little detail of you hurt being, because at the end our experiences make us human, make us special.

Let’s face it beatches… That is part of our cross and as we change, it will keep changing and I don’t think  for the easy box.

Published by BEATCHES by Juan.C.Lenis