The past…is in the past.

The End.

 

 

Or is it?

 

 

The past, for me, is something that I have brought into the present.

I have dragged the little girl that was weak and abused into the present to meet the woman I am today.

The past isn’t in the past for me.

I wish it was.

A lot of us have a past, we have found it hard to open our mouths and speak about the things that keep us so isolated from others. People wonder why we are so weird or closed off. Why don't you speak, why do you have trust issues?

Whether it was a past of sexual abuse, physical or mental abuse. Is it a past of homosexuality or past of fornication and living in sexual sin. Or is it dealing with rejection?

We all have something we are afraid to let people know.

For me, it was sexual abuse at the age of 6/7 at the hands of my uncle when I was living in Nigeria and also physical abuse from a cousin. 

I actually sound so calm...

I use to be so scared to speak. I felt foolish, I always wondered what others would think of my, what my parents would say because they still don't know?

Sometimes I wonder if I made it up somewhere at the back of my mind and it just got stuck. I blurred reality and fantasy?

Yet the way my heart leaps makes me realise that there has to be some truth in this part of my past.

I get sweaty. I have goosebumps.

You know, this is the first time I have written it down and actually seen it in words..

The bible says that we need to be the voice to the voice less…so here I am…trying to not just give others a voice but also trying to look past my past.

My uncle, we were not related by blood [you know us Africans, everyone is an uncle or an aunty] he lived in the house next to mine. He was light skinned and walked with a limp. We were neighbors. I don’t remember his name and I really don’t want to.

I and his niece were friends and played together often...I still remember her name. I remember we were playing outside in my grandma’s shop, when all of a sudden she asked if we could go play inside instead.

I followed her. We got in and my uncle was inside by himself. We said hello and walked into the room. A few seconds later he walked in too and locked the door behind him. The rest…is a dream.

I used to think I was set up

I have been abused by people I trusted and it has left scars. I buried it deep because heck Who would believe me?

Even though I spoke to my brother about it, I couldn't even believe me. It sounded so weird in my ears.

We [humans] have the tendency to bury things deep within ourselves. I used to think that if I didn’t speak about something then it didn’t happen. I didn’t have to deal with it and it would go by itself. I was wrong. Not speaking about my past, not fully giving it to God. Not allowing God to take away that pain has allowed me to get into dysfunctional relationships. I am still in dysfunctional relationships. It has lowered my self-esteem and made me vulnerable.

I have tried to live for God but I always found myself going back to that guy or that thing because I thought it showed me my worth. Heck, do I even have worth?

I guess I am not completely sold out.

I didn't know I had a problem?

I thought everything was normal?

This is now my question and I know that I am not the only person that asks this question. Where is my value? Do I have value?

Around that very same age, I was abused my cousin. Beaten and mistreated. She burnt me. With a hot matchstick all down my back to my butt.

I may not be able to show the scars physically but the scars are there mentally and emotionally. Though I have forgiven those who hurt me, I know that forgetting has been proving very difficult.

I was a child then but now I am an adult but I am still dealing with the issues that came from what people have done to me over 13 years ago. We are all affected by a past and though it is hard and terrifying we all have to Face The Pain.

I am not speaking to get sympathy…nope. I am speaking because I know I need to get past my past and the first step to doing that is to speak about that past, it is to acknowledge that yes this has happened to me, it is to speak up about it. 

James 5: 16

Therefore confess  your sins to each another and pray for each another so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

I am speaking because I need to get past the feeling of shame, the voice in my head that tells me its my fault. Its NOT my fault. Its NOT your fault either. I implore you speak up about your past. Don't allow that voice shut you down. Do not fear the religious system of the church that tells you to shut up about your past. Do not fear persecution. Heck do not fear fear at all, for He has not given us the spirit of fear but that of power peace and self control.

Speak and receive your healing. Speak so others may be able to speak too and receive their healing. Pray for one another.

 The bible says that we should stand firm and resist the enemy. Knowing that there are others facing the same problems.

I guess this is my way of resisting the enemy.

Refusing to be shut down.

I don’t know your past, I don’t know what you are going through. I don’t know what you faced yesterday or what you are facing today. What I know is that though weeping may endure for the night..know that joy comes in the morning. You may not see it now but God is with you through it all.

You are not alone...it happened to me too.

You are not alone! Stand firm!

Published by Lola Bamigbade