Here I am again. Holding on for another night of which seems to be an endless night of wandering in the I am where I am not the only one but it feels like I’m the only one — questioning my rise again — am I rising or am I falling?

I can’t tell anymore.

Cycles

Circles

The comeback is always different, though.

This time I find my self latching on to faith, hope, and love.

I plead for faith, hope, and love.

I pray.

God never left, I did.

Forgiveness is big here

I am forgiving my Self

I am forgiving You

I am asking for forgiveness

Faith

Hope

Love

Maybe we fall for and because of Faith, Hope, and Love

Maybe we rise for and because of Faith, Hope, and Love

What else would it be for?

We are birthed from a Love filled with Faith and Hope.

It makes sense to fall and rise for Love.

It makes sense to fall and rise because of Love.

To Love, though, we must have Faith in each other — faith in the Love that binds Us.

To Love, we must have Hope for each other, in each other — Hope unites Us.

Our Faith must be like a river, continuously flowing to and from its Source [Love] — even when obstacles obstruct its path — the river continuously flows [Hopes].

I’m not just letting things go. There's always something to let go, I'm learning.

I’m leaving them in God’s hands.

I’m leaving them in Love — from where we came, to where we go. It continuously flows and I am the obstruction. I must learn to flow past my self.

Am I scared?

I’m scared shitless. I’m so scared.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” is the following thought, “Be not afraid.”

Isaiah 41:10 NKJV: “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

It’s funny, you know. Where we find comfort. Where our hearts find solace. Don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with anxiety and depression. The grand finale for 2016 came around full circle for me and hit me pretty hard. Whenever people talk about anxiety or use the word loosely, I wonder if they know what it truly feels like to go through an episode of anxiety. I hope you never do. I’m truly sorry if you have. You're not the only one.

Anxiety paralyzed me. I couldn’t stop crying. My chest felt heavy. I couldn’t get out of bed. I had no desire to eat, to rise, to move. Days felt like weeks. Food did nothing for me. I felt so weak. I felt life-less and all I wanted was to feel Full of Life again. I began to fear everything. I was so vulnerable: physically, mentally, emotionally. I am now getting comfortable with driving at night again. By myself. I regretted leaving. I was (still am) afraid of dying like this — life-less. I remember those moments when I felt so Full of Life and I am (still am) scared that I won’t feel that again. That’s the scary part. Waiting.

Faith

Hope

Love

I remind myself, “You’re not waiting, B. You’re growing — in Faith, in Hope, and in Love. You’re growing. Be patient.”

Sacratisimo Corazon de Jesus, que tu amor y paz me acompañen siempre.

I ask for strength. I pray for a happy, healthy, loving relationship with my self and with Love — with God, with Source. I pray, when I rise (morning) and when I fall (bedtime). I recognize God’s presence when I drive (the sky, the birds, the trees). I recognize God’s presence in my family and friends (their unconditional love and support). I recognize God’s presence in my interactions throughout the day (their kindness, their assistance, their acknowledgments). If you take a moment, you can notice Love’s presence wherever you go. It’s easy to miss, though. It’s easy to take these moments for granted. We have everything we need and want. Be humble. Be grateful. Have faith. Have hope. See Love. Be Love.

Focus on the Light that remains constant amidst each whirl of polluted Light. The one that pulls your gut or plays tag with your conscience. The one that knows what’s best at times is to feel the pain and let go; to take the punch and walk away, to suck up the words and swallow the pride, to admit “I am wrong” instead of saying “yeah, you’re right,” followed by a shrug.

Focus on the Light that remains constant amidst each whirl of polluted Light. Some lights are meant to be shooting stars. Some lights are meant to fade. Some lights shine bright and guide us to where we need to Be. Some lights will get blurry. Some lights explode. Some lights are blinding, some lights are binding:

We are Beings of Light.

How do we want to Shine?

#ShineOn

#ImRootingForYou

#DreamersUnite

I keep this affirmation from Louise Hay in my wallet (thank you for introducing me to her). I hope it helps:

“I am safe in the Universe and all life loves and supports me. I breathe in the fullness and richness of life. I observe with joy as life abundantly supports me and supplies me with more Good than I can imagine. I am open and receptive to all Good. I am guided throughout this day in making right choices. Divine Intelligence continuously guides me in the realization of my goals and I am safe. I now receive my good from expected and unexpected sources. I am an unlimited being accepting from an unlimited source in an unlimited way. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams. I deserve the best and accept the best now. I am mentally and emotionally equipped to enjoy a prosperous and loving life. It is my birthright to deserve all good. I claim my good now. I trust myself and I trust life and all is well.”

When I was reading about and studying Buddhism, I came across the Heart Sutra (Prajna paramita hrdaya sutra in Sanskrit)— a very beautiful meditation. Prajna translates at best as true mind; virtue perfected to the level of transcendence. Paramita is like reaching the other shore; attaining wonderful wisdom. Hrdaya is heart. Sutra is the way to complete enlightenment. All together it translates as wisdom acquired experientially by means of intuitive insight and perfected through cultivation to the level of transcendental knowledge.

Upon my studying of the text, I came across these principles that were so simply stated and simple in nature. The sutra is complex in its unveiling of the layers but speaks a truth that rings all too familiar to avoid. It opened my heart and mind to the root of who “I am.” It sowed in me the desire to want to know more about God and my relationship with God.

These are the principles from the Sutra. If only we truly considered these — from that place that dwells within:

  • Charity eliminates greed
  • Discipline cures laziness
  • Patience overcomes hatred
  • Determination overcomes laxity
  • Prayer and Meditation cools the mind; receptive to wisdom
  • Wisdom dispels ignorance

I turn 30 soon. That number means so much to me, for some reason. I thought my life would be so different. I didn't See my self here — yet here I am, waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I want to Live. I want to create a happy, healthy, loving Life. I want to create.

Faith

Hope

Love

It's not supposed to be this hard. Falling hurts. I'm learning that Rising hurts just as much. How can it not? That's the breakthrough. Maybe we should think of it all as Rising. This hurt, this pain, this sadness — it's all part of our Rise to Greatness, Infinity, Source, God. I feel safe in knowing I'm not the only one. I feel safe being back at home with my family and friends. I feel safe in my prayers. I am getting stronger. One day at a time. I am creating. One breathe at a time. I am Living.

Sacratisimo Corazon de Jesus, que tu amor y paz me acompañen siempre.

All is well.

I am Okay.

I am Strong.

I am Enough.

I am Amazing.

I am Beautiful.

#ImRootingforYou

I love you, ______________ (say your name).

B