This is for me, finally.

This is me saying I won’t let myself feel bad because of you for any longer.

Yes, there will be times when I remember the little things and it makes me sad, but I won’t be giving it my time or attention anymore.

In fact, I debated about writing this because of how little it seems to matter now. You will never read it, you’ll never say another word to me or lie to me ever again.

But it’s important to me, because I’ve been pushing people who love me away and once I start, I don’t know how to stop. I sit here hating myself, wondering why I do it. And that doesn’t make me stop, because I start to think they’re better off without me so I just keep going, not feeling anything apart from disappointed and angry with myself.

I know it’s nothing anyone else has done, but it doesn’t make it easier. It stops me from being honest about what I want and makes me more confused than I can explain.

Saying anything to you will not help, because there’s nothing left to say to you that you deserve to hear. There never was anything. Not a single word, piece of effort, or tear was actually worth uttering in the first place because you just didn’t care. Not to say you were a bad person, because I’m yet to really dislike anybody. You just weren’t the person I ended up next to, for reasons I’ll probably never know.

I’m sorry life turned out the way it has so far for you, although you’ll never see this. Believe it or not, it’s not half as bad as you think it is sometimes. Trouble is, everything I ever said or did for you may as well have been contained in this one body of text, because you weren’t grateful for and didn’t notice a damn thing anyway.

All I hope is that maybe one small thing that I said or did, will make even the smallest difference to you. I hope you learn to separate all your problems into manageable chunks, like I always said you could. I hope that you get what you need and not just what you want, but more than anything, I hope that one day you see yourself the way that I saw you. I saw you as someone who could do something amazing, if you only let yourself.

It doesn’t matter how much you see your shyness as a problem, because you were the most lovely person when you just stopped worrying. Your smile and your hair. Everything. You know, it’s not all as bad as you think, none of it. It still makes me cry sometimes when I remember you flicking your hair, or somebody says something and I’m reminded of you, but that’s enough. I hope all you have is enough, because you’re luckier than most.

So I said it, all of it, just for me. I want to let go and not let depression and anxiety grip me until I stop breathing. It’s up to me, not you, not anyone else. I’m moving on, moving out of the flat that has far too many memories, deleting the pictures, leaving that part of town just out of reach so that I don’t have to remember every day. There isn’t any darkness if I just choose not to stand in it. I’m not the person who just sits in it and doesn’t do a damn thing.

One day I might be able to look at you without my chest feeling like it’s imploding, one day I might be able to remember without the pain, or speak to you. But I doubt the occassion will arise, so I’ll settle for being able to remember one day and smile – whenever that happens. At the end of the day, you didn’t really care, and that’s okay. Sometimes there are no reasons and no closure.

I’m going to keep trying to love the right people in the right way, because they mean the world to me and deserve it to be that way. I’ll make mistakes, but there’s no need to hang on to them, right? I’ll keep singing and keep being not funny and keep laughing anyway. I hope you learn. More than anything. For now, I owe myself more than to dwell on it. So good luck with being the best you can be, and goodbye.